top of page
Search

Liz Truss to become everybody’s ‘crazy aunt’


ree

Citizens are to be offered a ‘crazy aunt’ as part of new levelling up plans by HMG.


“We’re fed up looking at poor people”, a spokesman said. “They smell and they live in horrible little dwellings. Flats, I think they’re called. When we analysed wealthy families they all have at least one certifiable older female relative – a ‘mad aunty’ if you will. We’re not certain, but it’s possible that this might be what’s been holding poorer families back. I phoned my Aunt Margery and she said it was worth a spin, so here we go!”


Under the scheme, families without a suitably crazed relative will be able to borrow Liz Truss in 30 minute blocks. “Half an hour doesn’t sound long”, the spokesman said “but Liz can make it seem like an age. She can give batty advice on anything – relationships, Marxist bankers, chemtrails – all delivered with the crazed conviction of the benevolently unhinged”.


If the scheme proves successful the next step will be the creation of a national ‘creepy uncle’ who touches up younger family members and absconds mysteriously, pursued by police. The Conservative Party doesn’t anticipate any shortage of unemployed ex-MPs to fill the role.


Image: Lockjaw



Most 'no-go' areas are Tory donor country estates where everyone will be shot


ree

'Conservative MP Paul Scully was completely correct in his claim that there are "no-go" areas in the UK.' So says Jeremy Haines, a land-banking tycoon from a huge area of north Surrey, attempting to leap to the defence of political shills and personal interests, but inadvertently whistle-blowing the lid off the whole racket.


'Any commoner accidentally wandering onto land surrounding Shapps Manor, for example, would be shot first and then asked questions by Piers Morgan later.


'Even people of high status are prevented from going anywhere near much of Britain. Tory Party donors and oligarch chums of Boris Johnson have taken ownership of all the best bits, and we just sit on it while its value soars. No less than a member of the Royal family trying to get in on the ground floor will be lied to and then have Liz Truss set upon them.


'Swathes of Somerset are prowled by killer Rees-Moggs, where generations of selective in-breeding has created off-shoring hounds trained to tear foxes to pieces, and anyone else with red hair.


'Speaking of rampant off-shoring, it's not just areas in the UK which are no-go. The Drax dynasty with... erm... "interests" in the Caribbean strictly forbids locals from entering its family plantation estate, thereby upholding good old-school white supremacy. Which, of course, is in no way racist, or perpetuating racism today.


'And it's not just geographical zones which are ring-fenced with deadly force. BBC journalists straying into areas even remotely connected to right-wing disparagement are deemed to be on deadly ground. Tim Davie, the Tory-installed Director General Beast, will pounce on you like a giant python, wrap himself around you and squeeze until there is no more Conservative anti-sentiment juice left within you.


'More than that, no part of the media is allowed to mention Brexit anymore. Despite it being by far the number one cause of economic woes in Britain, even the Bank of England is forbidden from going there.


'So, you see, if anything, what Paul Scully said is an understatement. We have made it so that there is almost nowhere left Brits can roam free without fear of extreme reprisal. It's pretty much all a no-go area.


'Oh, and do keep off the grass. I've still got fracking rights under there.'




bottom of page