Eton to offer ‘Muggle Studies’ courses

Following an inspection by the Ministry of Magic, Eton College is to offer intensive training in Muggle Studies to prepare the next generation of Prime Ministers.

'Leadership in the twenty first century requires a degree of empathy with ordinary people' a spokesman told us. 'Who knew? It came as a massive surprise. We’ve been following the eighteenth century syllabus, which possibly explains why we keep sending gunboats to "deal with" refugees.'

'Pupils will learn about something called a "gas bill" and an "overdraft".'

'Oh, that one has caused some scratching of heads,' chuckled the spokesman. 'It’s a pretty advanced mathematical concept when you drill into it. You spend money you don’t have, but then instead of just getting more to plug the gap you increase the amount which you don’t have, until you reach a theoretical point where strangers are allowed to walk in and steal your possessions. Fascinating stuff.'

Rupert Fortescue-Smythe is prepping for his Grade 3 Northerner exam. 'I’m ok with the set texts and the technical studies – I can swear, walk like a Mancunian and quote passages from The Royle Family – but it’s the sight-reading I struggle with. Phrases like "eckerslike" or "youvegorrabekiddin" just don’t trip off the tongue. I’ve been practising with the staff. I really want to excel in this, so I can buy my own Northern town one day and really blend in.'

Wealthy families have been buying up chalets (terraced houses) in Liverpool so their offspring can cram for their Grade exams. They’re cheaper than a decent cello, though they don’t hold their value as well.

'I had to get on a bus yesterday,' said Fortescue-Smythe. 'It’s a magical conveyance. Buses can only go on their approved routes – you can’t just tell the driver to nip to Fortnum’s or whatever – and they smell funny because they have old people in them. A total stranger called me "love", it was amazing.'

The first empathic Prime Ministers will roll off the production line in 2024, just in time for the General Election.

Suspicious package at Manchester Airport was not Matt Hancock in Speedos

A suspicious package found at Manchester Airport has not turned out to be Matt Hancock in a tight pair of pink Speedos. Security services released a statement insecurely on Twitter which was quickly spotted and went on to explode across the platform. 'It was very important that the suspicious package was found. If the suspicious package had been uncovered, then that could have led to widespread sickening disgust. A security services spokesman later announced, 'We don't wish to alarm anyone, but BOOOOM! Actually, when we investigated the report of the suspicious package, it wasn't Matt Hancock at all. This was really suspicious because it usually is. So we had to take it seriously and call in the special guy who knows whether to cut the red wire or the blue one. 'But then it turned out it wasn't that kind of package either. It was a lost collection of documents left behind after the Conservative Party conference by one of many attendees who pretended to work on the government plan for COP26 and then jetted back to their second homes in London. We concluded that this was absent-mindedness in more ways than one. 'Astonishingly, it is the most suspicious package we have ever encountered. It was supposed to address environmental protection and the climate crisis, but the contents just went into great detail about how the Conservative Party would continue to be funded by immense levels of donation from fossil fuel giants.

'We were so disheartened by it, we blew it up anyway because we needed the pick-me-up of a controlled explosion.'

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Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension

People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.

Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: 'Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It's brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.'

Luke Lyle from Manchester added 'Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month's salary. On average it's 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.'

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged 'I mean it's on the Northern Line, that's close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?'