Updated: Nov 23, 2021
A suspicious package found at Manchester Airport has not turned out to be Matt Hancock in a tight pair of pink Speedos. Security services released a statement insecurely on Twitter which was quickly spotted and went on to explode across the platform. 'It was very important that the suspicious package was found. If the suspicious package had been uncovered, then that could have led to widespread sickening disgust. A security services spokesman later announced, 'We don't wish to alarm anyone, but BOOOOM! Actually, when we investigated the report of the suspicious package, it wasn't Matt Hancock at all. This was really suspicious because it usually is. So we had to take it seriously and call in the special guy who knows whether to cut the red wire or the blue one. 'But then it turned out it wasn't that kind of package either. It was a lost collection of documents left behind after the Conservative Party conference by one of many attendees who pretended to work on the government plan for COP26 and then jetted back to their second homes in London. We concluded that this was absent-mindedness in more ways than one. 'Astonishingly, it is the most suspicious package we have ever encountered. It was supposed to address environmental protection and the climate crisis, but the contents just went into great detail about how the Conservative Party would continue to be funded by immense levels of donation from fossil fuel giants.
'We were so disheartened by it, we blew it up anyway because we needed the pick-me-up of a controlled explosion.'