Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others

However hard the government bends over backwards to appease its core vote, a dyed in the wool true blue forever Conservative voter continues to be dissatisfied with the amount of pain being caused to those around him.

Gyles Tebbit from Surrey barked, 'This is just not good enough. I expect more. I expect more pain. I expect more suffering. I expect more wails of agony from those around me. This isn't what I didn't vote for.

'What this government needs to do is to get up off its lazy arse and get someone else to start sticking the knife in properly. I didn't not fight in World War II for this. Our Maggie had the country in absolute meltdown and all of us pummelled into submission in half the time. None of this u-turn nonsense you see today.

'I want every last foreigner kicked out. I want everyone coming over here taking our jobs and our women deported to Rwanda. And then I want every last one of our women back in their kitchens making babies. I want the kids of today rid of once and for all. I want everyone on strike sacked. I want everyone in work sacked. I want the unions crushed. I want the NHS dismantled. I want all those meddling greenies locked up. I want the poor taxed out of existence. I want the welfare state pulverised. I want the economy destroyed. I want full on hard red, white and blue Brexit done properly from the start. And bring back mandatory hanging for everyone.'

Now clear off. I'm a very busy and important man who needs to get into my German SUV, race to my local Italian, knock back a few French reds, call my Greek tax accountant from my Dutch mobile, and then fly to my second home in Spain.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: Tumisu | Pixabay

Liz Truss 'most morally repulsive woman in the world' say scientists

A group of scientists who designed a computer programme which is able to calculate how morally repugnant a person is by assessing their facial characteristics, has announced Liz Truss is the world’s most morally repulsive woman, despite late pressure from Suella Braverman.

The programme is based on the study of physiognomy, and uses facial mapping techniques to work out how morally repellent a person is, and then gives a score using a rating system known as ‘The Moral Munter Scale’.

Liz Truss was said to be delighted by the news, especially when she heard the title had previously been awarded to Margaret Thatcher.

Other female moral mingers who rated highly in the study are serial killers Lucy Letby, Beverley Allitt, Myra Hindley and Rose West, and that woman who put a cat in a bin.

After spending several weeks focusing on the moral repugnance of these women, all 12 scientists who worked on the project needed to receive counselling for post-traumatic stress disorder. They are all still being kept under heavy sedation to control the night terrors and panic attacks.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: Scientists analyzing beakers with chemical fluid Free Photo Download | FreeImages

Thatcher’s ghost dictating economic policies via p*ssed medium

Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.

Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?'

'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'.

'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into her chair, seemingly half asleep.

'Are you here about the economy?'

'Yes', I lie. Sometimes an investigative journalist has to push the boundaries.

Sally takes another drink from her bottle and her eyelids flutter manically. 'Margaret is in the room. She’s saying something about National Insurance'.

'Does she want it to go up? Down?'

'Down!' she says, suddenly leaning forward and fixing me with a terrifying glare. 'And fracking. Ronald has told her it’s for the best. Frack the whole country'.

'Is Reagan there too?' I ask.

'Of course. They’re an item now'.

'What about interest rates?'

'That’s enough for today. I’m tired'. Sally hauls herself upright and scans around for the door. I’m tempted to ask about ghost sex but force myself to stick with economics.

'We need to know. Should they go up? How do we avoid recession?'

Sally is already halfway to the door, staggering a little. 'Privatise something. The NHS. Privatise the NHS. Oh, and she says the Oxford comma is an abomination. Get rid of it'.

And she’s gone. Britain’s leading economic adviser has left the room leaving only a faint aroma of chardonnay and piss, and I realise what the H was all about. Horseshit.

www.newsbiscuit.com