Matt Hancock’s mate from down the pub to run the BBC

The same bloke awarded a massive £530m contract for making Covid test kits in the function hire room of his pub has hit the jackpot again by being given the entire BBC.

'It's fantastic news,' said Matt Hancock's mate and new BBC chairman, Terry White. 'To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it, so it's a bit like being given the special Covid crony contract all over again. I didn't have a clue what I was doing with that, and I don't have that much experience of running a multi-million-pound corporation. Still, if it makes me a shed load of cash, who gives, right?'

'I'll probably blow a load of money on a new series of Top Gear, with yours truly, Dan who used to work at Kwik-Fit and Keith across the road who has huge sub-woofers tied to his roof rack. Viewers can rest assured that all the female news presenters and weather girls are up to scratch and wearing age-appropriate swimwear. All that serious news bollocks will be binned, along with anything 'edgy' or 'creative', and Attenborough is out on his ear. I've already awarded myself six British Academy TV awards, and now I'm looking forward to putting in a sealed bid for British Gas. Me and the wife think £25.00 should cover it.'

Barman Green Drinks - Free photo on Pixabay

Hancock stands by decision to award contract to his hamster

Matt Hancock has rejected claims that awarding Fluffy the hamster an NHS contract was in any way bias as Fluffy is 'fully qualified' with 'a wealth of experience'.

Fluffy has been a valued member of the Hancock household for almost a year and in that time has left Mr Hancock in no doubt he is the right individual for the job: 'Fluffy is brilliant at keeping his trap shut, unlike other weasely rodents like Dominic Cummings, so he'll be very well received amongst senior members of the conservative party.

Fluffy is also an expert at his wheel, often going round in circles for months on end but making no progress - making him ideal for running an NHS contract.'

Mr Hancock further eradicated any hint of corruption by confirming that he wasn't even aware Fluffy was being considered for the contract: 'Fluffy orchestrated the whole thing without my knowledge, it was nothing to do with me - he must have used my phone and email, and posed as me at a meeting or two, the clever little chap. It's neither here nor there that my agreement with Fluffy is that I get 100% of profit from any contracts he wins.'

It has been reported that current contract tenders include submissions from the spider under Matt Hancock's sink, a snail at the bottom of Matt Hancock's garden, and Matt Hancock's toilet brush.

image from pixabay

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Suspicious package at Manchester Airport was not Matt Hancock in Speedos

A suspicious package found at Manchester Airport has not turned out to be Matt Hancock in a tight pair of pink Speedos. Security services released a statement insecurely on Twitter which was quickly spotted and went on to explode across the platform. 'It was very important that the suspicious package was found. If the suspicious package had been uncovered, then that could have led to widespread sickening disgust. A security services spokesman later announced, 'We don't wish to alarm anyone, but BOOOOM! Actually, when we investigated the report of the suspicious package, it wasn't Matt Hancock at all. This was really suspicious because it usually is. So we had to take it seriously and call in the special guy who knows whether to cut the red wire or the blue one. 'But then it turned out it wasn't that kind of package either. It was a lost collection of documents left behind after the Conservative Party conference by one of many attendees who pretended to work on the government plan for COP26 and then jetted back to their second homes in London. We concluded that this was absent-mindedness in more ways than one. 'Astonishingly, it is the most suspicious package we have ever encountered. It was supposed to address environmental protection and the climate crisis, but the contents just went into great detail about how the Conservative Party would continue to be funded by immense levels of donation from fossil fuel giants.

'We were so disheartened by it, we blew it up anyway because we needed the pick-me-up of a controlled explosion.'

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