British Detectives Continue To Search Algarve Golf Courses for Madeleine McCann

While German and Portuguese Police search wasteland near Praia da Luz for clues relating to the disappearance of Madeleine McCann 18 years ago, members of the Metropolitan Police case team continue to investigate their hunch that the three-year-old went missing in the rough around one of the Algarve's many golf courses.

Speaking at the first tee of the Espiche Club, lead officer DCI Savage gave an update on behalf of his team and four-ball, telling reporters, "While we accept it's an outside chance, we won't rest until every inch of this course and any others within 30 miles of Lagos have been thoroughly searched, which won't be that hard thanks to DS Brightman shanking every shot with his driver anywhere but the fairway!"

Four hours later, the search team returned with good news, "Hastings got a hole-in-one on the ninth!" Savage told us, "So that's saved the investigation a bit of cash as the Milky bars are on him tonight!"

When asked how long this case could be kept open, Savage said, "Well, there's three more courses to search, actually four if you count the Stableford competition we've got planned with the local plods. Then there's a rumour a girl matching the computer-aged images of Madeline was seen at the Portimão Restaurant Festival, so we've got some reservations there to follow-up the lead. After that, it depends how long the weather holds out and when the courts confirm the date for my misconduct hearing."

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Quakers defo more violent than Met Police

In an act of swift justice and unparalleled irony, the Met arrested teenage Quakers for the threat of eating hummus past its sell by date. A Metropolitan Officer explained: 'Our actions stopped a serious sexual assault and murder,' explaining, 'locking up the Quakers prevented us from committing these crimes.'

There are currently 173 officers under investigation for domestic abuse and another 457 for other criminal activity - leaving just 3 officers not designated as molesting sociopaths to police the rest of Greater London. By contrast, there are zero Quakers responsible for violent acts of terrorism, 'which is proof enough we should lock them all up'. said the Officer: 'They were charged with conspiracy to cause a public nuisance by trying to save lives and some bull$hit about love - which is soooooo gay.'

Armed with Tasers and erections, the Met stormed the Quaker Meeting House, after complaints by neighbours of the absence of a disturbance. The Home Secretary stated 'serious violence' had been avoided - and she insisted the Met must try harder next time.

Image: NoeNei - Pixabay

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Met Police trials new slogan - “Most of us aren’t too bad”

The beleaguered PR department of London’s Metropolitan Police is understood to be trialling a new slogan - “Most of us aren’t too bad”.

The move follows the Angiolini Inquiry into the murder of Sarah Everard by serving police officer Wayne Couzens. This found that Couzens had committed many sexual offences beforehand, none of which resulted in his arrest or even being fired, and also that he had shared appalling WhatsApp messages with other officers in which they joked about sexual assault. Moreover, since her murder it has come to light that another officer in the same unit, David Carrick, was also a serial rapist.

A spokesman said he wished to make it clear that such officers were a tiny minority within the Met, and that most officers were quite content with sharing photos of murdered women and rating their attractiveness out of 10.

When a female Met officer complained that this was also unacceptable behaviour, the spokesman rolled his eyes, said she’d “probably got the painters in” and he “didn’t fancy her anyway”.

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