Children in Need Latest: Michael Gove's Disco Danceathon raises almost £0.47

The world's leading backstabbing Tory and stray bottle of minge deodorant, Michael Gove, shattered all records at this year's televised charity extravaganza.

Boldly going where no Secretary for Levelling Up, Housing and Whatever has been before, he danced non-stop for 48 hours, raising almost a penny an hour. This is roughly the same amount that Mr Gove believes should be the UK's minimum hourly wage rate.

Mr Gove said he hoped the money would be put to good use, such as helping councils shut down foodbanks and padlocking children's playgrounds at weekends.

His former wife, Sarah Vine, commented that she was delighted for Michael, but it was pretty obvious why she'd decided to divorce the idiot.

image from pixabay

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Big Dick Energy latest utility company in trouble

Big Dick Energy is one of several smaller energy companies struggling with high wholesale gas prices.

A spokesman with BDE read a statement, whilst swaggering: 'At this rate we're going to have to start diversifying into gaslighting. I would say I have a lengthy penis, when the only lengthy things about me are my list of failed relationships and my criminal record.'

Business Secretary Kwasi Kwartengergy was allegedly seen rolling a gas canister into his house, shouting 'Don't get high on your own supply bitches... mentioning no Goves.'

Other utility companies who may be in trouble include Hi NRG, The Gas Man Cometh, Knowing Methane Knowing Youthane, Rock the Gasbah, Lil Gas X and Gas You Like It.

Hat tip Lockjaw54

Proof of not being Michael Gove now required for entry to Scottish nightclubs

From 1st October anyone who wishes to go to a nightclub in Scotland will be refused entry unless they can provide compelling evidence that there isn’t the slightest risk of them being Michael Gove.

This new regulation will grant nightclub staff the power to prevent anyone from trying to barge in for free under the guise of being the Chancellor of Duchy of Lancaster or other such made up sounding jobs. As an added safety precaution, bouncers will also be required to immediately eject any high-risk revellers, preferably by force, from the premises who are seen dad dancing in an ill-fitting suit to hardcore Jungle music.

If these measures are strictly implemented by all nightclubs in Scotland, the SNP are reportedly hopeful that staff and customers will not be subjected to any future outbreaks of Govid on the dancefloor.