Distressed Howler monkey accuses Ed Sheeran of plagiarism

Lawyers representing a constipated Howler monkey have accused Ed Sheeran of ‘sampling’ some of his greatest works. Mr Sheeran’s lawyers insist screeching and yelping are the hallmark of most popular music. They also point out that the lyric ‘Ooh girl, we had a love so strong’ appears in 97% of all songs ever written.

Speaking to reporters Mr Sheeran said: ‘It was just an innocent mash-up. I need no sympathy. I’m easy come, easy go. Little high, little low. Will they let me go?’

In opening remarks, Mr Sheeran’s lawyer said ‘He’s just a man whose intentions are good. M’lord, please don’t let him be misunderstood.’

The Howler monkey is in talks to host GB News.

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Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly.

A local monkey is terrified he will be kidnapped after his neighbour has begun acting softly softly.

Mr. Monkey spent his early life in the world renowned Chester Zoo but left that behind for the middle-class dream in an upcoming area, however that dream has now become a nightmare after growing concerns over his neighbour’s intentions.

We caught up with Mr. Monkey earlier and he said, ‘The fella next door has clearly been doing his research and found out the best way to catch a monkey is the softly softly approach. He definitely wants to kidnap me. I’d bet my adorable little fez on it.

‘We’ve always got on fine. There was one silly incident about car parking but that was sorted; he told me I couldn’t park outside my house, and I threw my crap at him. That was the end of that. Then he started wearing hush puppies and whispering a lot.’

We asked Mr. Monkey why he thinks his neighbour would want to kidnap him.

‘He’s heard that stupid theory, hasn’t he? You know the one. If you give a monkey a typewriter, he’ll eventually write the entire works of Shakespeare or something. I know it sounds crazy, but I took a parcel in for him yesterday and I accidently ripped it open and inside was a massive cage and a typewriter. What else could he be planning?’

We questioned his neighbour who was flabbergasted at the accusation. ‘The thought has never entered my head,’ said Dr Steven Power, a renowned primatologist and playwright often referred to as the 'new Shakespeare'.

Tommy12000

Image: DaFranzos | Pixabay

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Boy priest travelling to India thought to be in danger from monkeypox

A boy priest travelling to India to bring back the scriptures to save mankind is being sought by the authorities, who fear he may be in danger of contracting monkeypox. They are also seeking a water monster and a pig spirit thought to be travelling with him.

Symptoms of the disease include a tendency to violence, which only the mythical “headache sutra” can cure, and the ability to cloudfly. Other symptoms include a lack of coordination between speech sounds and mouth movements, a condition experts describe as “very poor dubbing”.

Little is known about the origins of the disease, though some claim it was born from an egg on a mountaintop, produced by a rock which had become magically fertile. Experts describe that as complete nonsense, but still more convincing than the idea that Covid 19 came from Wuhan’s exotic meat market and not the virology lab in the same city.