Jenrick just missed his besties

While many are accusing Robert Jenrick of blatant opportunism, a trait almost unheard of (outside of the Tories), the truth is that he is missing his besties.  Politics is a lonely profession, especially when the politician is a c@nt, but Jenrick being Jenrick it seems he has issues with forming bonds outside of planning permission scams, allegedly.

He misses Mad Nad dearly, obviously, and who wouldn't want to meet up with Johnathan Gullis and Andrea Jenkins?  Don't be shy.  OK, consider that rhetorical.  And while you're at the bar, don't forget to buy 30p Lee a pint while he explains how anyone not on expenses can survive on a pound a week. Danny Kruger will bring the cakes, obviously, and then, with luck Liz Truss will complete the party by bringing salad components.  Hopefully they will last longer this time.

Don't berate Honest Bob, treat him with sympathy, he's been lonely on the benches.  Unloved and unwanted.  Hopefully good practise for the next few years then.

Beachcomber Farage delighted with haul of washed up Tories

'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick.

'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship.

'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny Kruger which I've been trying to coax back to life.

'And, just this week, I stumbled across a beachcomber's dream - a 2018 vintage Nadhim Zahawi. I bet you'd forgotten they made those, hadn't you?

'I'm going to scrape the rust off it, hammer out the dents, and try to sell it to you as new.

'And just remember - all these specimens might look like political rejects who were nothing short of a joke when they were in government. But now they're getting hosed down and flogged as the fresh and exciting Reform government of the future.

'Now excuse me while I go and look for a half-drowned Matt Hancock."

Nadine Dorries ‘hasn’t yet realised’ that men only pretended to find her fascinating

Political groupie and Brand Ambassador for vodka Nadine Dorries has decided to have ‘one last fling’ at becoming a Dame. Many thought her political career was over when she announced that she was leaving the House of Commons, though she bravely continued drawing the salary for a year so we wouldn’t feel abandoned.

Now she’s back, determined to share her political wisdom with the nation.

‘It’s a common problem among women who used to be quite fit’ said Dr Mathison of the University of Padgate. ‘Men hang on their every word because – well, I think we know why. Some women interpret lust as intellectual respect. Not easy to imagine that level of self unawareness, but that’s blondes for you. The tell is that she flicks her hair seductively when she says something she imagines to be intelligent. Real brainiacs don’t do that, I’m told – though I teach at the University of Padgate, so my exposure to brainiacs is largely theoretical’.

Will Nadine get her Damehood? Would you give her one? Will Nigel? Stay tuned for more emetic speculation

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