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British waterways pray Theresa Coffey doesn't take to skinny dipping


While much of the country is showing distaste for the state of the UKs waterways and shorelines, the water involved is more concerned that the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has decided to take up wild swimming. 'Turds are a fact of life in British waterways,' mused one stretch of fouled water, 'but at least they tend to float. The displacement alone will give us another bad name,' it added.


Environmentalists don't know whether to be amazed that waterways have developed enough sentience to be able to express opinions on politicians, or surprise that politicians have simply reduced themselves to a level that turd infested water finds them as repellent as the voting public do. A famous stretch of water alongside Brighton used to humans skinny-dipping regurgitated vomit left by a hen party at the thought that Coffey might shed her clothes and enter it.


'I'd rather have Michael Gove skinny dipping,' mused the sea front, 'at least the cocaine takes the edge off'.

Riots as US runs out of bullets



At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time, the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities as a bewildered populace struggles to come to terms with the loss of their favourite pastime - shooting classmates and civil rights protestors.

The spread of violence was sparked when police squandered their last bullet by shooting an unarmed teenager. An eyewitness said: 'It was horrific. Without provocation, the police just opened fire. What a waste of life and bullets. Those shots could easily have been saved for an Arab or any friend of Phil Spector.'

An NRA spokesman said: 'The average American spends five hours a day shooting. Two hours a day dodging bullets. Nine hours working to earn enough money to buy bullets. Seven hours dreaming about them. And that only leaves one hour to masturbate over them. It's a hectic schedule.'

One of the by-products of this loss of ammunition is that the US now has 250 million useless firearms. One suggestion is that these redundant weapons are melted down to form 300ft statue of Charlton Heston, blowing the head off of Osama Bin Laden. One concerned citizen said: 'What am I supposed to do when I see an African American walking down the road? If I can't fire six warning shots into his head and arm – how else is he going to know that he's making everyone uneasy?'






Anti-bullet-proof-vesters say gun deaths are a hoax


People who refuse to acknowledge the dangers of firearms have been accused of spreading false information. 'Guns don't kill, bullets maybe' is a common refrain. Many anti-bullet-proof-vesters suggest that the daily statistics of deaths from bullets are exaggerated and insist that many of the people who die in a hail of bullets were going to die anyway. Some, they note, are elderly and therefore prone to dying; others are often young and note that mortality can be flaky in that group as well. They claim that most normal, healthy people of working age are relatively impervious to bullet wounds, claiming they are often no worse than a knife in the neck. In any case, they refuse to wear a bullet-proof-vest in public.


Opponents to the anti-bullet-proof-vest brigade say the current belief that .38 bullets are less harmful than .44s is misleading and leads people to be more relaxed about meeting up with others brandishing such weapons. 'OK, the entry hole is smaller, but the exit is still a gaping hole,' they point out. The increase in .38 calibre shootings is looking at overwhelming the hospital system as beds are filling up rapidly, aggravating the winter knifing surge.


The government is still opposing calls for a stay-at-home policy and are insisting that schools should stay open. 'Just don't congregate in the school yard', the government suggests.





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