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Riots as US runs out of bullets



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At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time, the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities as a bewildered populace struggles to come to terms with the loss of their favourite pastime - shooting classmates and civil rights protestors.

The spread of violence was sparked when police squandered their last bullet by shooting an unarmed teenager. An eyewitness said: 'It was horrific. Without provocation, the police just opened fire. What a waste of life and bullets. Those shots could easily have been saved for an Arab or any friend of Phil Spector.'

An NRA spokesman said: 'The average American spends five hours a day shooting. Two hours a day dodging bullets. Nine hours working to earn enough money to buy bullets. Seven hours dreaming about them. And that only leaves one hour to masturbate over them. It's a hectic schedule.'

One of the by-products of this loss of ammunition is that the US now has 250 million useless firearms. One suggestion is that these redundant weapons are melted down to form 300ft statue of Charlton Heston, blowing the head off of Osama Bin Laden. One concerned citizen said: 'What am I supposed to do when I see an African American walking down the road? If I can't fire six warning shots into his head and arm – how else is he going to know that he's making everyone uneasy?'






Anti-bullet-proof-vesters say gun deaths are a hoax


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People who refuse to acknowledge the dangers of firearms have been accused of spreading false information. 'Guns don't kill, bullets maybe' is a common refrain. Many anti-bullet-proof-vesters suggest that the daily statistics of deaths from bullets are exaggerated and insist that many of the people who die in a hail of bullets were going to die anyway. Some, they note, are elderly and therefore prone to dying; others are often young and note that mortality can be flaky in that group as well. They claim that most normal, healthy people of working age are relatively impervious to bullet wounds, claiming they are often no worse than a knife in the neck. In any case, they refuse to wear a bullet-proof-vest in public.


Opponents to the anti-bullet-proof-vest brigade say the current belief that .38 bullets are less harmful than .44s is misleading and leads people to be more relaxed about meeting up with others brandishing such weapons. 'OK, the entry hole is smaller, but the exit is still a gaping hole,' they point out. The increase in .38 calibre shootings is looking at overwhelming the hospital system as beds are filling up rapidly, aggravating the winter knifing surge.


The government is still opposing calls for a stay-at-home policy and are insisting that schools should stay open. 'Just don't congregate in the school yard', the government suggests.





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