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British waterways pray Theresa Coffey doesn't take to skinny dipping

While much of the country is showing distaste for the state of the UKs waterways and shorelines, the water involved is more concerned that the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has decided to take up wild swimming. 'Turds are a fact of life in British waterways,' mused one stretch of fouled water, 'but at least they tend to float. The displacement alone will give us another bad name,' it added.

Environmentalists don't know whether to be amazed that waterways have developed enough sentience to be able to express opinions on politicians, or surprise that politicians have simply reduced themselves to a level that turd infested water finds them as repellent as the voting public do. A famous stretch of water alongside Brighton used to humans skinny-dipping regurgitated vomit left by a hen party at the thought that Coffey might shed her clothes and enter it.

'I'd rather have Michael Gove skinny dipping,' mused the sea front, 'at least the cocaine takes the edge off'.

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