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Oxford Boat Club to stop selecting rowers based on floppy hair


Following yet another Boat Race defeat, the Oxford Boat Club has vowed they will no longer select rowers based on the floppiness of their hair.



“Looking back at the trials, there were some pretty good rowers who never made it to the last 8,” said club president Jeremy Berkshire. “But they all had awful hair - curly, too short, ginger... you just couldn’t imagine it bouncing seductively as they ran towards you in slow motion wearing cricket whites,” he added, before wondering if he’d said that out loud.



“One of them even had fuzzy hair - I think he may have been foreign. His food certainly looked a bit spicy.”



He confirmed they’d also excluded some people on the grounds that they weren’t called Jeremy, Sebastian or Rupert.



“But that stops today - from now on, we pick rowers entirely on the basis of rowing ability. Provided they went to a good school and their pa works with mine, but I think that goes without saying.”


Boat Race Betting (and Pooping) Guide



The 2024 Oxford versus Cambridge University Boat Race was predicted to be a sluggish affair. Both crews had prepared well for this year's row, bringing their own nose pegs. Or earplugs, depending on how you just read the word 'row'.


Those watching from bridges over the Thames were distracted by an endless game of pooh-sticks, all of the countless vessels made from real, genuine poo. As expected, Cambridge pushed out hard, but in a considerably more thrilling race than usual, the winner was a turd from Luton College.


Organisers of the race said, 'Yet another great tradition has been ruined by @rseholes from Oxbridge. In future, the event will be renamed the University Floater Race.'


Here is Newsbiscuit's unofficial betting guide to the 2024 Boat Race:


Oxford Win 7-5

Cambridge Win 7-5

Cambridge team turn up late due to Easter Bank Holiday traffic 15-1

Arrival of dolphin pod delays start of race 750-1

Angry swan breaks arm (either) of Cambridge Cockswain 300-1

Rowers (at least three) contract fulminant dose of E. coli 5-1

Rowers (at least one) contract Weil's disease 25-1

Luton College Win 5,000-1

Oxford's Ukrainian Cockswain killed in Russian drone attack 85,000,000-1

Hammersmith Bridge destroyed due to collision 100,500,000-1


Please gamble responsibly with your investors' cryptocurrency.


Authors: SteveB, Ashbery


Make your minds up will you - demand Britain's Red Kites

They're getting in a bit of flap amid Oxford's dreaming spires and it's all to do with Britain's ever-increasing population of Red Kites.


Wallingford Council has started a poster campaign urging its residents not to feed the birds following reports they have taken to copying the behaviour of seagulls and are snatching food from unsuspecting al fresco diners.


But the kites are not happy. Their Spokeskite Kevin told us: 'It's a disgrace and feels like May's "Go Home" campaign all over again. One minute you can't get enough of us soaring majestically overhead on draughts and thermals, the next we're being demonised and shunned. It's all your own bloody fault anyway. You brought us back from the edge of extinction. You started feeding us your leftover Sunday chicken carcases. You upset nature's delicate balance. We're meant to be scavengers after all.'


One takeaway devotee told said: 'It's getting so bad you can't walk down the street with a burger or a slice of pizza on your lunchbreak without getting divebombed and your grub snatched.'


In response Kevin, said: 'Look, I'm not unreasonable. How about a compromise? Say we agree not to snatch Doner Kebabs? Then if you all stick to those we'll leave you alone. And thinking about it, compared to yer average doner, a tasty bit of roadkill might just be a lot safer for us.'




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