Following yet another Boat Race defeat, the Oxford Boat Club has vowed they will no longer select rowers based on the floppiness of their hair.
“Looking back at the trials, there were some pretty good rowers who never made it to the last 8,” said club president Jeremy Berkshire. “But they all had awful hair - curly, too short, ginger... you just couldn’t imagine it bouncing seductively as they ran towards you in slow motion wearing cricket whites,” he added, before wondering if he’d said that out loud.
“One of them even had fuzzy hair - I think he may have been foreign. His food certainly looked a bit spicy.”
He confirmed they’d also excluded some people on the grounds that they weren’t called Jeremy, Sebastian or Rupert.
“But that stops today - from now on, we pick rowers entirely on the basis of rowing ability. Provided they went to a good school and their pa works with mine, but I think that goes without saying.”