Government sets up independent inquiry into independent inquiries

The number of independent inquiries into government activities has has reached unprecedented levels, according to an independent inquiry into the number of independent inquiries set up by the government following complaints that there are too many independent inquiries into government activities.

'Independent inquiries are expensive, take forever and don't provide good value for money,' the inquiry is expected to conclude sometime in 2038 at an estimated cost of £3 Billion, with recommendations that the inquiry is followed up by an independent inquiry to determine the best way to conduct independent inquiries, with a target date of 2062 for reporting back to government. 'Time, obviously, is of the essence,' the inquiry chair stated in it's preliminary report after the leader of the opposition who preceded the current leader of the opposition four times removed complained that the report into independent inquiries was taking too long. The leader of the opposition preceding the current leader of the opposition two times removed retracted the complaint as being obviously untrue but nobody actually noticed. Or he was thrown out of the Labour Party. No-one is quite sure and the government has called for an independent inquiry to ascertain whether the leader of the opposition preceding the current one several times or so removed had his or her retraction of the complaint of the leader of the opposition maybe two or three times removed preceding him or her fairly or not. 'This should be resolved before any other independent inquiry is continued,' suggested the government.

The plethora of independent inquiries into independent inquiries is having a knock-on effect into independent inquiries into Grenfell, Partygate, Monegate, Kwarting-gate, Zahawigate, BBCgate and anything else the current government has touched, passed, imprisoned, monetised or screwed up. 'Until the independent inquiry into independent inquiries is completed we can't possibly resolve the other issues, nor can we answer any questions regarding those topics until the relevant independent inquiries are resolved,' said a government spokesman, agreeing that the situation is incredibly unfair and that an independent inquiry should be set up into it 'as soon as this one is concluded but before the other ones are resumed,' he suggested.

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Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer

With hosepipe bans in place and others on the way across the UK as the country experiences drought conditions. Those who don’t comply could face fines of up to £1,000.

In line with Downing Street’s adherence to other laws and regulations, water will be pumping out of Number 10’s hosepipes as long as a ban is in place.

'Yeah, fuck all that,' said Boris Johnson, who turned on seven hosepipes and three sprinkler systems at Number 10 before buggering off on holiday.

'All the Downing Street aides are thrilled because I’ve told them to have at it with the paddling pool. And the household staff are under strict instructions to water all the plants with a hose every single day – even the indoor ones.

“The Downing Street garden will be turned into a swamp while the rest of the country burns – if you’ve got a problem with that, call the fucking pigs!

“Oh, you don’t need to because they’re already posted on the front door. And guess what? They don’t give a shit.

'If you think I’ve behaved inappropriately then get Sue Gray to conduct an investigation. I’ll be long gone by the time she’s finished and I’ll just be able to claim that Liz Truss flooded the premises while trying to make ice cubes. Admit it - that’s totally believable.'

Former Chancellor Rishi Sunak said, “This is exactly the sort of unethical behaviour that forced me to resign. Still, we don’t have to worry about all that now.”

With that, he reached for a hosepipe and added some water to his whiskey.

story: chrisballard

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/bstad-3630924/

Demand for cut in price of Daily Mail now it will be using less ink

Now that there will be no reason to bolster Boris Johnson's fortunes and the Durham police have announced they won't be prosecuting Kier Starmer or Angela Rayner, the Daily Mail looks likely to be little more an advertising medium for crooked companies hoping to fleece pensioners of any savings they may have accrued. Readers have been pointing out how much ink will now be saved in printing the rag and are demanding the price should reflect this.

Doris Clegg 89 of Wakefield said: 'I still buy it to line the bottom of the budgie cage, but only because it happens to be just the right size. They conned me into voting Tory in 2019, but as you can see, I won't be doing that twice, so I welcome the saving on ink, but think they're taking the piss by charging for a newspaper with no stories in it.'