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Microsoft adds "Letter of No Confidence in the PM" to Word templates



Conservative MPs who've updated their copies of Microsoft Office have found a new time saving template built-in to the new version.


One Tory MP explained; "I fired up a blank document in Word this morning to write a letter to a constituency, I got as far as typing 'Dear...' when it popped up a window saying 'It looks like you're writing a letter of no confidence to Boris Johnson. Would you like help?' There was my old friend Clippy, but bent in the shape of a hangman's noose.


"I thought 'Why not?' and select the 'Yes' option and the document wrote itself with a comprehensive list of misdeeds that any other prime-minister would not only resign for, but for most people have to change his name and leave the country. When I printed it off, I had to load an extra pack of paper - it's going to cost a fortune to post."


A spokesman for Microsoft explained that "They try and keep Word up to date with future requirements."


When contacted for comment, Downing Street said they were "Too busy for this; they had a leaving do to organise and someone had told the brewery the wrong date."


Northumbria Police in desperate search for 'PM prankster' who duped CBI conference



Northumbria Police has issued a statement today, saying several of its officers are currently engaged in an urgent operation to try to establish the identity of a mystery man posing as the Prime Minister, who duped security at the CBI Conference and gained unfettered access to the podium.


Chief Inspector James Pepper said: 'It's quite embarrassing that this joker, clearly some kind of simpleton, was actually allowed to address the delegates. I can only assume the real Prime Minister's team got wind of what was going on and whisked him away to safety.


'I can't really explain how this man not only got to the stage and was able to spout a stream of incoherent drivel. Clearly he was a deranged halfwit who could've done anything, but thankfully he mostly rambled on about some kid's TV show.'


Ten Downing Street was remaining silent on the matter today, although one source did suggest Mr Johnson was still in Glasgow tidying up the lose ends after his stunning success at the recent Cop 26 conference, adding that the mop-topped moron in South Shields was clearly a crank looking for publicity.






As NI Protocol talks become more acrimonious Johnson continues to deny the existence of Ireland

Updated: Jan 9, 2022


As talks over the Northern Ireland Protocol become ever more acrimonious, a source close to number ten claims that one fundamental problem is Boris Johnson's insistence that there is no such place as Ireland.


The source wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Advisors tried to tell Boris that Ireland is a actually a real country, and that furthermore, Britain has no control over what it decides to do. Nevertheless he just will not accept it.’


‘How can a bunch of funny little potato-munching fellows with green suits, silly black hats, clogs and bright orange beards be in a position to tell the UK, by which of course I really mean England, what we can and can’t do,’ Mr Johnson is understood to have told one aide when shown a photograph of Ireland taken from the International Space Station.


It's understood the PM then suggested: ‘Anyway, that pic looks like some kind of photoshop job if you ask me. Everyone knows "dat da Oirish" are just a mythical race only existing in fairy tales or as the butt of racist jokes.


'What’s more, my old boss Mr Trump said the only real Irish person ever to have lived starred in a movie called The Quiet Man where he played a cowboy called John Wayne.’






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