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Government orders urgent inquiry into why parts of Surrey aren't completely covered in shit



Following a government policy of straining every sinew to ensure all of Britain is drowning in raw sewage, a testing team from Guildford has found that some areas of Surrey are not completely submerged in stinky turds.


'It is just not right that Dorset is now entirely 'brown field' and Wiltshire's Stone Henge is at the bottom of a lake of diarrhoea,' said lead tester Amber Pace. 'We demand that the government pull out all of the stops so that Surrey can join other counties in achieving toxic, unlivable status. You can see the very top of Guildford cathedral, which is sickening.'


'What this government needs to do is roll its sleeves up, dive right in, and force water authorities to open all floodgates of faeces. If we need to import another 27,500 tonnes of human excrement from the Netherlands, then so be it. Whatever it takes.'


Secretary of State for the Department of We're All in This Together insisted, 'Look, the government is doing all it can in constipated times. We have spent billions of taxpayer money ensuring our department makes good use of the word 'This' in its title, which is a clever anagram of the word 'Shit'. We've got industrial scale farming dumping all the chicken crap they can lay their hands on into our reservoirs and shovelling pigshit into our rivers as fast as they can. The Prime Minister himself is curling one out as we speak.'


His Excremency went on to add, 'We thought that allowing organised crime to take care of the UK's waste, in a bold plan of no regulation whatsoever, would get us there much quicker. But some of these normally reliable tricksters have been piping it straight out on to our beaches. In some cases, the sea - which my number two, Dominic Raab assured us all was closed - has been diluting the sewage, and we just can't afford to let that happen. An urgent inquiry has been ordered, and in the meantime we'll see if we can't help the poor people of Surrey out with donations of high-grade premium caca from central London. One way or another, the number of floating voters needs to be reduced.'


'We simply must not allow this country to turn into a green and pleasant land.'


Climate change beaten after Tory MP takes it on as second job

Updated: Dec 12, 2021



COP26 has been deemed a “resounding success” by scientists after former cabinet minister Nigel Huntington-Smith MP attended it in the capacity of his new second job as a professional eco-warrior.


Mr Huntington-Smith is MP for Warmington-on-Sleaze and served as Minister for Toadying in David Cameron’s cabinet. He is being paid Greta Thunberg’s pocket money for his new role.


“We all know that Tory MPs give their second jobs much more attention, care and effort than they do being an MP and are much more successful in them as a result,” one scientist said.


“I had thought that even with the promises being made at COP26 we were doomed, but now Mr Huntington-Smith is being paid to sort it out, it looks like it will be alright after all.”


The MP was previously known as a climate change sceptic and also holds roles advising a number of fossil fuel firms, but scientists are not worried about this. “We predict he’ll believe anything for the right price,” one said.


Following Mr Huntingdon-Smith’s appearance at the climate change summit, scientists revised their predictions to include global temperature increases to be at manageable levels, coal and gas to magically become clean and sustainable fuel, extinct species to return and net-zero to be reached in every country by Sunday teatime.


Meanwhile, Labour has become the latest political party to become involved in the scandal surrounding MP’s second jobs, after it emerged Keir Starmer is being paid to lead an opposition to the Government.


“I had no idea he was leading an opposition,” one outraged Labour voter in his constituency said. “He has kept that job very quiet – I haven’t seen him doing it all. It is a disgrace. We should have known he was supposed to be doing that when we voted for him.”





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