Palestine Action and Just Stop Oil to copy Dover protest methods

'We're going to ditch the placards, slogans and superglue stunts,' said a pensioner activist, 'and adopt the Dover approach.'

Apparently Doris, 84 and retired, is a dab hand at knitting balaclavas for her grandkids, and Eric, 72, has a mountain of black dye ready to colour dozens of cardigans in the tin bath he uses in front of the fire to bathe in.

'We won't say anything, we'll just march on our Zimmer frames in our black balaclavas and cardis blocking the High Street, disrupting the end of season sales and generally being a silent nuisance. The police can't do anything now a precedent has been set in Dover, and we'll finish off with a sit-in at the bingo hall,' said Eric.

'When I say sit-in, I mean sit down. I can't protest like I used to do,' he added. 'It's my knees.'

Image: WixAI

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Thousands of toddlers march in protest at proposed screen time restrictions

Central London was brought to a standstill yesterday as thousands of toddlers marched to Downing Street in protest at the Government’s proposed restrictions on screen time for children and young people

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said London Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley-Powley.” “Most marches have a sense of direction, but this one was entirely random. They were meant to be going to Downing Street, but they kept getting distracted. One group decided to have a tea party in the middle of Oxford Circus – they had brought plastic cups and saucers with them. It was quite sweet, actually. They saw a homeless man with his dog and invited him to join them. Another group found their way to Hamleys and are believed to be still in the store.

“We also saw a large group of, I guess, two-year-olds who made their way to the Diana Memorial Garden where they played in the water. They loved seeing the horses.”

Police had to use cranes to pick some boys from the top of trees in Hyde Park. When they got them safely on the ground, two boys rushed at officers and reached to touch them screaming ‘COD! Nazi Zombies. You’re it!!’”

Questions remain about how the marchers got into central London in the first place. Police discovered a line of people carriers near Marble Arch, with drivers who could have been parents but claimed to be Uber drivers. They were all on their phones. There was also a fleet of nursery buses. Police discovered one boy proudly showing an officer a homemade pedal extension.

“I found out how to do it on You Tube,” he beamed. “It’s so cool.”

image from Grok

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Protesters pour onto the streets

Thousands of coffee-drinkers protest over the 'don't pour it down a drain' law, by queuing up outside the operational headquarters of their local environmental protection enforcement officers, to pour coffee dregs down a drain.

Several thousand more protesters carried banners saying 'I support poring coffee down a drain, instead of into a bin.' The police rigorously arrested these people first, before turning their attention to the actual coffee-pourers.

Image credit: perchance.org