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Cleaner becomes PM because she's the only gov't member not to have to resign over Xmas party




Following news that the civil servant leading the inquiry into the 10 Downing Street Christmas party has resigned because he also organised an illegal Christmas party, everyone in government - MPs, Lords and civil servants alike - has admitted that they also attended illegal Christmas parties last year, and has resigned. It appears that the only person employed by the government who did not organise or attend an illegal Christmas party in 2020 is Downing Street cleaner Grace Richards, 27, who will now become Prime Minister and form a new government.


The Labour Party was initially approached for this role, but its leader Keir Starmer said that he fully supported the government's action, and so his party would resign also. The Liberal Democrat HQ was on answerphone "following a big night for us", and the SNP said that they had no interest in taking responsibility for "that shambles south of Gretna Green".


Ms Williams said she "would need to have a bit of a think" before announcing her Cabinet and programme for office, but suggested that "taking money out of billionaires' offshore bank accounts and putting it into the NHS, higher wages for key workers, and a lot more buses on the 29 route to Westminster" would be among her key policies.



First published 20 Dec 2021


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Drunk, texting motorist driving unroadworthy car still waiting for police report



A man who refused to comment on an incident in which he caused a rush-hour pile up on the M4, in fog at night in which 180,000 people died while driving a works car with defective retread tyres, while five times over the alcohol limit while sending a text to his secret lover about their imminent love child has been criticised for his obtuse understanding of the situation.


The man said he was waiting for a report from traffic police into whether he had broken the law or not.


The man said even if found guilty, he would not resign from his post as chair of the Road Safety Committee or head of Drink Aware or patron of Single Parents for Justice, insisting none of the alleged transgressions was a sackable offence.


First published 22 Feb 2022



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Speaker to resign from being a cowardly arse

The House of Commons demanded that the snivelling toad either grow a pair or resign. Hiding under his desk, he denied he was scared, and that he was merely looking for a copy of the Magna Carta he had dropped there earlier.


Having had his spine surgically replaced with jelly, The Speaker stands (or wobbles) accused of undermining a Gaza ceasefire in exchange for not getting duffed up behind the bike sheds.


Abandoning his traditional position of neutrality for a place in Keir Starmer's anus, the Speaker had decided to throw caution (and his career) to the wind. But now that MPs were baying for his blood, he said he might just stay under this blanket for a little longer. Finally, he was unceremoniously dragged back to the chamber to apologise...for having wet himself.




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