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Sunak speech: 'I'm stealing all your money. Ha ha ha ha.'

'There's no punchline, I'm just taking it. All of your money, all for me. You lot can go f$ck yourselves. [leave gap for my maniacal laughter and the uproarious applause of the great unwashed]'


This more abrasive first draft of Rishi Sunak's recent 'the next few years will be dangerous' speech, was originally to include a call and response section of "Who's the boogeyman", "Starmer's the boogeyman". The speech's finale would see Sunak wave a wad of cash at the audience shouting 'This is going to keep me safe. You lot - and I cannot stress this enough - can go f$ck yourselves.'


Passer-by Tara Taylor said 'Who's more dangerous, Rishi Sunak or Keir Starmer? It's obviously Rishi Sunak, but I would rather be left alone in the woods with a bear. Actually, is it too late to vote for chaos with Ed Miliband?'




Rishi offers nudes in profile

As support slumps, the beleaguered PM has been forced to lure voters with erotic clickbait and items of Ministerial underwear. He has sprinkled his speeches with eye catching headlines as - 'Naked Greed', 'Rwanda policy stripped bare' and 'One colossal tit'.


An aide explained: 'Rishi guarantees 2.5% of GDP will be spent on defence and Viagra. He may be a bit behind in the polls but his pole is throbbing behind your bits. Oh yes, he'll put the dirty into dirty politics. It's erection day, baby!'


Coughing awkwardly, he admitted: 'Although, just to confirm, we won't be setting up an OnlyFans account, as that requires him to have some actual fans.'




If you thought the last 14 years were bad, vote Tory to see what comes next - Sunak

The Prime Minister took some time out today to urge the electorate to consider completing the 'Tory Sh!tshow' boxset by voting for them in the upcoming, much delayed, General Election.


'Every season we like to end on a cliff hanger.  Will the people vote to "get Brexit done", or will they act rationally?  Will the person in charge of the winning party at the start of the season be replaced once, twice or thrice during the season?  Is a fourth replacement possible?


'Will the Tories destroy the NHS, or will it struggle on for another season?  Again?  Ditto UK manufacturing, armed forces, teaching? 


'Will we find billions under the Treasury couch to bung to our friends, again?  Who knows? 


'In fact, if you don't vote for the Tories to be in charge of the next season you might never know what we are going to wreck. Spoiler alert - it's everything.


'It's a dangerous world out there - way more dangerous than 14 years ago and why do you think that is? eh?


'And who is best placed to ensure we die in a death spiral - not Labour, that's for sure,' said the Prime Minister to a crowded room of sleeping journalists.  He knew they hadn't listened to a word and knew he'd won his bet again.  They only story they would write up would be the one where Angela Rayner crashed the economy by possibly not paying £1500 Capital Gains Tax.




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