As support slumps, the beleaguered PM has been forced to lure voters with erotic clickbait and items of Ministerial underwear. He has sprinkled his speeches with eye catching headlines as - 'Naked Greed', 'Rwanda policy stripped bare' and 'One colossal tit'.
An aide explained: 'Rishi guarantees 2.5% of GDP will be spent on defence and Viagra. He may be a bit behind in the polls but his pole is throbbing behind your bits. Oh yes, he'll put the dirty into dirty politics. It's erection day, baby!'
Coughing awkwardly, he admitted: 'Although, just to confirm, we won't be setting up an OnlyFans account, as that requires him to have some actual fans.'