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Braverman: 'We’ll just have to find somewhere worse than Rwanda then'


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The Court of Appeal has thrown out the government's signature 'Stop Rwandering over here and get on that plane' immigration policy.


In response, Home Secretary Suella Braverman has got her travel brochures out. Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'So, Pyongyang looks delightful this time of year as do Chinese Uyghur re-education camps. For summer sun though, you can't go wrong with Mogadishu and it's in keeping with our post-colonial vibe. Plus you might get to be a pirate – splice the mainbrace!'


'The whole point of Brexit was for British courts to be sovereign. It certainly wasn't for those courts to give decisions that the Conservative party doesn't like. Suella's eyes are on stalks when she says that anyone with the job title Lord Chief Justice is probably a left-wing, hippy enemy of the people and that nothing screams "woke" more than those wigs and robes.'


'Rishi's talking so tough on immigration these days, he's even taken his tie off. It's so serious, he's added "stop the boats" to his email signature, but I think he just means his spare yachts.'


As an alternative to having an immigration policy, Penny Mordaunt has offered to stand on the White Cliffs of Dover – inevitably wielding a sword – whilst shouting "You shall not pass". Buckingham Palace has officially asked for the sword back.



Braverman confuses ‘will of the people’ with ‘last will & testament’


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A Government spokesman has clarified what Home Secretary Suella Braverman (yes, really) means when she talks about the Rwanda policy being “the will of the British people”. She means: “the final wishes of the British people before their extinction. May the Lord have mercy on their souls”.


‘I think she missed that day at law school’, a Home Office spokesman said. ‘It’s an easy mistake to make – English is full of words with double meanings – “truth”, for example. What is it, really? It sounds like it should only be things which are true, but as we’ve learned in recent years, truth is a wet slippery fish of a word. We’ve stopped using it at the Home Office for that reason’.


It remains unclear who witnessed our last will and testament, and indeed whether we were "of sound mind" when we made it. At least we now know what was meant by “sunlit uplands”. Walk towards the light, people. Heaven awaits us.




Learner drivers to be sent to Rwanda until they pass test


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British road users will no longer find themselves seething with frustration while stuck behind a clueless driver who can't change gears. Thanks to new legislation they will be deported to Rwanda until they get a full licence to drive on British roads. 'We can guarantee they'll be treated humanely there", says a Home Office spokesman. "They'll be given free L-plates on arrival and can get driving lessons at a discount from local warlords.'


"Personally, I think it's for the best", says 38-year-old BMW driver Frank Mason. "You need to earn the right to stay in Britain, and that means being able to do a three-point turn and overtake on the cycle lane when you find yourself in a traffic jam.'


The first provisional licence holder was stopped and detained early this morning and is now awaiting deportation. Fifty-six-year-old Mavis Beckford, who has failed her test six times, was pulled over while driving up the A30 at 45mph and will be flown to Rwanda tomorrow. 'Personally, I have no time for these L-plate people with their huge sense of entitlement,' says arresting officer David Lake. 'She says she was just going up to Basingstoke to "seek a better life" - yeah, right.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/kartik27-298317/

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