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The US President is finally spending some time on domestic issues, aiming to placate his MAGA base, who are concerned about living costs.


After shocking bankers by capping credit card interest, the President has moved on to other cost of living issues.


The latest initiative is to cap prices on things that MAGA supporters regard as essentials.  This includes eggs, which Trump voters prefer scrambled.  The price of eggs will be capped at five dollars a dozen, which will make egg production in the US uneconomic.  Importing eggs is not an option as they are subject to tariffs of10%4%22%50%200%33% at the time of writing.  However, if you can actually find any to buy, then they will be a bargain.


Donald Trump is also expected to sign Executive Orders to cap the prices of Big Macs, bullets, rifles, baseball caps (excepting those with political slogans), bumper stickers, all clothes larger than 2XL, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, Jello, golf clubs, peanut butter, fake tan, Cheetos, American flags, American (but not Mexican) beers, after-sun cream (soothes red necks), blueberry muffins, Dr. Pepper, jogging pants, pretzels, pop-tarts, cable TV, pick-up trucks, Twinkies, microwaveable cheese, weight-loss drugs, lottery tickets, and barbed wire.


Economists are shaking their heads sadly, but are also looking forward to tucking in to some cheap chow. They predict that these price controls could reduce US inflation to around 1%, although the collateral damage could be the closure of thousands of American businesses and the loss of up to a million jobs.  Donald Trump has welcomed these predictions, describing them as ‘a price worth paying.'





Despite confusion at Davos during Trump's speech, where people thought he had lost his mind and confused Greenland with Iceland due to the amount of frozen snow in Greenland, analysts now understand that the President was pitching for the US to buy out a major frozen food chain instead.


'It's true the President is prepared to send troops into Iceland HQ in Deeside, north Wales if necessary, but in reality he just wants to buy the chain and launch it in the US,' said White House spokesperson Caroline Leavitalone.  'And he's coming for Timpsons next,' she said.  A Timpsons spokesman said, 'cobblers'.






Conservative Party chairman and all-round good guy Nadhim Zahawi has spoken about his embarrassment over the ‘schoolboy errors’ which led him to pay several million less in tax than was due.


“To be honest, those bags of bullion have been lying around the house for ages”, he told reporters. “I remembered to count the jewels, the diamond mines, the various companies etc, but after a while you just tune out gold. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s just an everyday thing. Bloody hurts when you stub your toe on an ingot, that’s for sure!”


Mean-spirited Labour politicians have called for the former (checks notes) Chancellor of the Exchequer to resign, arguing that he really should have known, to the nearest million, how much he owed in taxes. Supporters of ‘regular guy’ Zahawi have pointed out that funnelling shares to offshore tax havens isn’t illegal unless you get caught.


Mr Zahawi is philosophical about the additional payments to HMRC. "I can just turn up the thermostat on my stables and recoup any losses that way", he explained.





First published 23 Jan 2022


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