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December Horoscopes, from the Whether Man

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Aries


Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ?


Taurus


The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.


Gemini


A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience.


Cancer


You will become famous this month. Your face will be shown around the world. Looks like Donald didn't get your name redacted. Shame on him, shame on you!


Leo


Dark, uncertain events cloud your future this month. The words 'plausible deniability' will feature heavily in conversations and correspondence over the next week.Leo


Virgo


If you’re reading this in The Times, then December may feel a little cooler than average; if you read it in The Sun, the YOU’LL FREEZE TO DEATH AND IT’LL BE KEIR STARMER’S FAULT.


Libra


There will be a lot of snow where you live this Christmas. It's your own fault for letting your sister bring 'Cokehead Colin' to stay for the holidays.


Scorpio


Life outside your front door can offer excitement, drama and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams, you just need to get out there.Netflix isn't everything. Having said that, the new K-drama they are pushing looks a bit tasty …


Sagittarius


You are what you repeatedly do. So maybe you want to think about that one. Eh?


Capricorn


This month you exist in constant fear of your own birthday misfortune, particularly what receiving the gifts of 26 copies of the same stinking royal book says about you.


Aquarius


Financial matters continue to loom large. The state of the economy and the recent budget mean that you must work to put things in order. Everyone is well aware of your predicament and, distressingly, it is much discussed by your colleagues, friends, enemies and media commentators. Now that a high profile event is behind you, it would be wise to concentrate on your performance at work. Try to ignore the nay-sayers. The numbers are bound to improve eventually, that’s just simple probability. Reassure yourself that your boss has expressed ‘full confidence’ in you. Remember, it’s not too late to secure a panto booking, although you will probably be cast as the villain.


Pisces


You will light up the office at the Christmas party this year. Your boss really should have had the lights around the tree PAT tested.



Authors:



Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Scorpio


Simonjjames: Taurus, Sagittarius


SteveB: Gemini, Capricorn


Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Pisces


Sinnick: Virgo


Deskpilot: Aquarius


Compulsive Tory fibbers demand inquiry to learn what "the truth" is

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"The government needs to set an inquiry immediately so that we Conservatives can discover what 'the truth' is," said a party spokes-Pinocchio.


"Sure, we'd like the truth about what was leaked before the Budget. That would be a good start.


"But more broadly, we'd be really grateful if a panel of vaguely honest people could explain to us what in the world these words 'the truth' are meant to mean.


"Years of serving in a party led by Boris Johnson, helping to explain away his daily torrent of fibs, has meant we've forgotten what it's like to hear an honest word when it's spoken."


"We wish we could help," said a spokes-forked tongued viper for Labour. "But we had even the vaguest understanding of the concepts of 'honesty', 'truthfulness' or 'integrity' crushed out of us by a decade and a half of being led by Tony Blair."



Voyager One ‘probably not coming back’, admits NASA

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After reaching the milestone of one light-day in distance away from Earth, NASA has reluctantly admitted it thinks its ancient spacecraft might not return.


At a press conference a sullen and emotional Controller, Todd Verniczek, explained: ‘We at the Voyager Program are ready to accept what we previously could not; that V, Voyager One, is probably not… coming back.


‘We’ve been checking the telemetry every two minutes since 2012 when V entered interstellar space for deviations in course, but shoot, nothing. We send occasional touchy-feely kind of messages out there, like: ‘Hey! What’s up, big guy?’, ‘No pressure, Buddy. Just wondering if you wanna grab a beer back here?’ But nothing, nada.


‘We didn’t give V specific instructions to return, we just thought it would have a neat cruise around the solar system, buzz around the emptiness of space for a while, then drift back when low on gas. It would be full of stories, showing photos, we were going to make a night of it.


‘It makes me wanna puke when I see Musk and Bezos whoop-di-wooing because their la-di-da spacecrafts return to the same spot from where they were launched. Jeez, talk about rubbing salt in the wound.


‘We used to tie yellow ribbons around the platform after every launch, that was exhausting, but we always had hope. Now we’ve reached the point where V is one light day away, so we reluctantly baked a cake and sang ‘24 light-hours from Tulsa’. That was the hardest…


‘They say, ‘If you love them set them free,’ and they come back. We did, and V hasn’t. What a dumbass phrase. Our last message was, ‘There’s a seat at the dinner table waiting for you V. It’s no biggie, we just thought… you know… come home.’’


When asked by a journalist, “Isn’t Voyager Two on a similar trajectory?’. Verniczek replied, ‘Wait… what?’



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