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Give generously to Farage's non-charity for Tory strays


"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future.


"They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making this threat to the UK electorate: if you want to see your ex-Tory MP alive and well in the House of Commons ever again, you'll text 0800-SAVEMUTTLEY and make a generous donation.


"£20 will buy Lee a pair of knuckle dusters, £30 will buy a muzzle for Rupert Lowe, £40 will buy Nadine a peerage, and £100 will buy Jenrick the Mongrel an ounce of integrity. And I'm also making this warning," continued Farage, grooming the fur of a miserable looking Kruger Spaniel.


"Any other destitute Tory planning to crawl along to the rescue centre that I totally don't run better hurry, hurry, hurry! That's because from 8 May, I'll be closing my doors to all further down and outs. I tell you this: Any Conservative MPs offering to hand over their seats to Reform on 9 May will definitely be turned away.


"And if you believe that, you'll believe anything."




Oh My Godthåb: Greenland renamed the Golf of America


Godthåb is the former name of Greenland's capital, which has not had this much publicity since Kristen Wiig sang Space Oddity to an empty pub as Walter Mitty dived into a chopper with a plastered pilot.


As the increasingly sane, decent and rational President Trump plans to invade it because penguins manufacture oil out of polar bears, Senators considered whether passing a law clarifying that America cannot occupy a NATO territory would make any difference.


No. No it did not. A press statement from the White House briefing ballroom made it perfectly clear: 'Arctic foxes from Greenland are smuggling fentanyl inside their rectums, swimming over to our great country and killing Americans. So we're gonna do something about that. From tomorrow, we will start kicking fox ass with bunker busters.


'Get ready to put another star on our flag. The 51st State will be Greenland, a place which clearly lends itself so well to putting, we will rename it The Golf of America.


'At this time, we ask that no one say out loud what they now call their capital. Nuuk is triggering for the President, and... f**ing sh*tf**k, I just said it, didn't I?'




ITV unveils "Reform Island" as hot new reality show


"Our plan is to round up every Reform MP and local councillor, plus every other turncoat, defector and political has-been who has crawled into their ranks," said an ITV spokes-cathode tube, "and maroon them on an island to live in their natural environment. 


"Here, there'll no political policy considered too despicable, or any act of treachery considered too vile. Journalists will be frog-marched into a never-ending press conference with Nigel Farage and the first one to stop taking notes will be shot where he sits.


"Rule One on Reform Island is that Nigel never, ever stops getting attention.  


"Unlike Love Island, it won't be set on a lovely tropical island with palm trees and beaches," said the spokes-Kalashnikov. "but on one of those really grim, sodden outcrops in the Thames Estuary. 


"So why do we think this show will get top ratings? Simply because, like Love Island, everyone will be watching to see who amongst these treacherous cads gets to screw who."




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