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Picard slams Kirk's latest "mission" as "little more than a publicity stunt"

Starfleet's Jean-Luc Picard has slammed former colleague, James T Kirk's flight into space today, as "nothing more than a tawdry publicity stunt from a man whose glory days are now long behind him". The stinging remarks were made on live TV when Picard was asked to comment on the latest mission by Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin rocket. He told reporters: 'You call that a space mission? Good God, space joke more like. It was nothing other than than an elaborately overpriced fairground ride. A risible joke. He'd have been more at risk on The One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. "Now if Kirk had maybe gone to the Delta Quadrant, been captured by the Borg, assimilated into the collective as a drone, but then escaped and shagged a few alien birds along the way, that would be a different matter altogether. But, come on, he just went straight up in the air above the Texas Desert and came straight back down again. Blink and you'd miss it. No more five-year missions, now. Eh, Jimbo?'' However, speaking on the steps of his multibillion dollar state-of-the-art phallic craft after the historic flight, an angry Kirk hit back. 'Picard's just a sore loser. Listen, there's only one Starfleet Captain Jeff (Bezos) wanted to fly that mission and you're looking at him right here, my friends. But now if you'll excuse me, this space suit's chafing, I've been cooped up in the capsule for a good twenty minutes and I have to visit the restroom to boldly go.'

image pixabay/henlfern

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Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

Pop entrepreneur and TV personality Simon Cowell is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul Jeff Bezos and Virgin Media boss Richard Branson, who have both recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed wooden catapult. When attached to the braces on his massive, high-waistband trousers, it will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell (87), said, "Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie's Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I've been fascinated by space travel. So this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth's atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true."

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back and lead-lined wellington boots. These will counterbalance the lack of gravitational pull and bring him back down to Earth, where he will splash down in the Limehouse Basin in East London a day or two later.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.