Updated: Nov 22, 2021
Starfleet's Jean-Luc Picard has slammed former colleague, James T Kirk's flight into space today, as "nothing more than a tawdry publicity stunt from a man whose glory days are now long behind him". The stinging remarks were made on live TV when Picard was asked to comment on the latest mission by Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin rocket. He told reporters: 'You call that a space mission? Good God, space joke more like. It was nothing other than than an elaborately overpriced fairground ride. A risible joke. He'd have been more at risk on The One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. "Now if Kirk had maybe gone to the Delta Quadrant, been captured by the Borg, assimilated into the collective as a drone, but then escaped and shagged a few alien birds along the way, that would be a different matter altogether. But, come on, he just went straight up in the air above the Texas Desert and came straight back down again. Blink and you'd miss it. No more five-year missions, now. Eh, Jimbo?'' However, speaking on the steps of his multibillion dollar state-of-the-art phallic craft after the historic flight, an angry Kirk hit back. 'Picard's just a sore loser. Listen, there's only one Starfleet Captain Jeff (Bezos) wanted to fly that mission and you're looking at him right here, my friends. But now if you'll excuse me, this space suit's chafing, I've been cooped up in the capsule for a good twenty minutes and I have to visit the restroom to boldly go.'