Anti-Growth Coalition shot Kennedy

New findings suggest that the shadowy ‘anti-growth coalition’ was behind the Kennedy assassination in 1963.

I definitely saw a coalition on the grassy knoll,” said an eyewitness. 'They were saying something about holding Britain back with high taxes, then a gunshot rang out.'

This isn’t the first time the evil coalition has been accused of doing naughty things. Global warming, high prices, declining standards in Strictly Come Dancing, Peppa Pig’s abortion, Michael Fabricant’s hair and the Bermuda Triangle are all believed to be the fault of this evil cabal.

Economists are in broad agreement that the dastardly policies of the AGC led to the failure of Kwasi Kwarteng’s otherwise brilliant Special Budgetary Operation, and unfortunately led to large numbers of hedge fund managers making millions of pounds, an outcome which Mr Kwarteng definitely didn’t want to happen.

Government palaeontologists have also said that it was the AGC, rather than a big comet, which wiped out the dinosaurs. We can but hope.

www.newsbiscuit.com

British TV British Legally British Required to be British

The commie, pinko, Britain-hating BBC will now be legally required to produce ‘distinctively British’ programmes, like Only Fools and Horses and Fleabag, though, mysteriously, not like Luther and I May Destroy You. The BBC itself will rebrand as the Great British Broadcasting Corporation. Channel 4 will become the Great British Bake Off Broadcasting Corporation.

Every hour, all BBC channels will show the Queen, armed forces and fluttering Union Jacks, as Jerusalem, Rule Britannia and the national anthem play. The images will be intercut with a smiling, omniscient Boris Johnson looking statesmanlike, or at least having had a haircut.

New shows will include ‘Snowflake Melting with Jim Davidson and Laurence Fox’, a nightly hour-long show, with guests who self-identify as cancelled by the liberal elite. They will talk, on air, about how they never get on air because PC has gone mad. A tearful John Virgo will be forced to play snooker as Davidson makes increasingly dubious remarks about the differently coloured snooker balls.

Also new, a lavish 26-part documentary, adapted from Boris Johnson’s Churchill biography, with the royalties helping Johnson to pay for his next divorce.

BBC News 24 will rebrand as GB News, with presenters wearing poppies all year round. Those with regional accents or from ethnic minorities will be limited to local news and sport.

Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I’m English and I find these changes soothe my unfounded, borderline nonsensical fears. I mean Strictly Come Dancing is presented by two women. Women! What’s next, sharia law? I blame the Germans.’

Children’s TV looks set to be unaffected, as one parent noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident.’