Prime-minister Rishi Sunak has said that he will make a decision on HS2 by "2039, 2040 at the latest".
Speaking to the BBC, Mr Sunak explained his reasoning; "I don't want to be premature, as I explained to my doctor, and I think the best time to make a decision is after the line is completed which, as I said, will be 2039, 2040, 2050 at the very latest. I think we can all agree that it will be pretty obvious whether it was a good idea by then."
Image: sjb3949 - Pixabay
In a surprise move, Rishi Sunak has unveiled procrastination and giving up as the centrepiece of his vision for Britain.
Insisting that the climate crisis was still 'on my to do list - right after cancelling my Netflix subscription', he pledged that the UK would take it's share of the burden - as long as it was free of charge and didn't clash with the footy.
Addressing a lethargically-arranged press conference, the PM - definitely not an AM person - yawned, 'We'll do our bit. Or, a bit, anyway. Just after we've had a duvet day. I want to see a Britain where every time there's a major global challenge to be tackled, we roll up our pyjama sleeves and phone in sick. Wild fires and flooding? Climate refugees on the doorstep? Just keep the curtains drawn and they'll go away.'
Asked how slackening home energy efficiency standards made sense in an energy bills crisis, he merely winked and remarked, 'You know, the one thing I can get round to on time is checking my BP dividends. And my house rental income'.
Sunak was a Dick. A Private Dick – and also a Public Dick. The film noir rain lashed his office window in moody black and white. He looked at a picture of his wife and thought 'There's a dame whose share portfolio benefits from government policy'.
The red string and drawing pins all led to one place - but where? He looked at his glass of Diet Coke – his seventh of the day – and hurled it at the wall in frustration.
'Pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth. But you need all of those to be a Tory MP' he thought to himself. 'Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are already in the Cabinet. Seven Samurai? Seven days of the week? Seven weeks of Liz Truss as PM?'
'My god… it can't be. It's the bins! I must save the people before they have to buy insulation.'
Sunak has pledged that if he finds Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head in a box, he won't shoot Kevin Spacey, but instead he will put it in the brown organic bin that goes out on alternate Wednesdays, as long as the moon is in Aquarius. Otherwise he'd have to pay a meat tax. And without the rest of her body, Paltrow might not count as a compulsory car sharing companion.
'Why are my hands so heavy?' he wailed.
