'Festival of Thatcher' to charge entry inverse to people's wealth

It has been announced that that the recently announced Margaret Thatcher Centenary event, due to take place in the former Prime Minister's hometown in October, will charge an entry fee inverse to how much money a person actually has.

"It's really quite simple" said one of the 'Festival of Thatcher' organisers "the poorer you are, the more you have to pay. It's exactly what Mrs Thatcher, bless her soul, would have wanted. We really wanted to pull out all the stops to mark 100 years since her birth, and this seems like the perfect way."

"For instance, if you're on benefits and want to come along it'll be £250 to get in each, and that's with no child rates. For the slighty more well off it'd be £100, if you're an executive in a well paying job £25, if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg you'd only have to pay £10 for a family ticket and if you just happened to be a billionaire hedge-fund manager you'll get in for free and also receive a souvenir bag!" 

Although not all of the events have been announced they are expected to include such attractions including games (including Sink the Belgrano and Dunk the Miner), stalls selling various Thatcher memorabilia starting at only £500 and finally the unveiling of a solid gold statue of the Iron Lady charged exclusively to the taxpayer.

"We're all very excited and everyone wants to do their part" said one local "One of my mates is dressing up as John Sergeant and letting people interrupt him and have their staff shove him out of the way."

image from pixabay

author: Garibaldi

www.newsbiscuit.com

Farmers' union behind food-based attacks on politicians

The English National Union of Farmers (ENUF) has claimed responsibility for a series of food-based attacks on political figures, and warned that there are more to come.

"We started with egging that statue of Margaret Thatcher - you can thank the Egg Marketing Board Continuity Faction for that, they've never forgiven Maggie for Edwina Currie" said a spokesperson, face and identity hidden behind a really filthy tractor window.

"And we organised the milking of Farage, if you see what I mean. Thanks for wrecking our subsidies, Nigel. And we'll carry on to make sure all politicians know farmers have had ENUF."

Journalists were then told that a list of more targets had been mowed into a cornfield near Ipswich. The list included plans to throw "very plain" flour over Keir Starmer, apple juice over Ed Davey "though he might not notice", an "imported mouldy lettuce" at Liz Truss, and a dead duck at Rishi Sunak.

image from pixabay

Sunak photographed on Thatcher's toilet

Rishi Sunak has been photographed using Margaret Thatcher's toilet and said that it showed he supported the British right to crap ownership.

'To reduce the burden on the hard pressed water companies, this toilet has been plumbed directly into the local river.'

When asked if he was showing solidarity, Mr Sunak said, 'That's rather between me and my dietitian.'