Victim of multiple romance scams speaks out

‘The first one was in the 80s’, B told us. ‘She really convinced me she had my best interests at heart and if I just sold some assets I’d be better off. I really regret that now. I’d love to go for a wild swim like I used to, but the turds put me off.

‘The next really bad one was much later. Persuaded me to leave a long-term relationship. Apparently the other party was bad for me. I can see them now, but only for short spells and I can’t live with them like I used to. I really miss the food.

‘More recently the same guy’s been coming round telling me to self harm. At least he seems to have money these days, though I don’t know where it comes from – he’s never at work. He wants me to sign away my rights, which seems wrong, doesn’t it? Also – and he doesn’t seem to understand this – my ancestry is fairly mixed and he’s always singing Hitler Youth songs when he thinks we can’t hear. But on the plus side, he’s promised to stop the boats’.

Image: LunarSeaArt - Pixabay

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Thatcher’s ghost dictating economic policies via p*ssed medium

Today we’re with Sally Preston, a psychic with a drink problem who has been helping Her Majesty’s Government set economic policy by conversing with the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.

Sally gives me an appraising look. 'You’ve lost somebody close to you. Is the letter H significant?'

'No', I say, then immediately feel guilty as she seems so vulnerable, swigging away from her bottle of Jacob’s Creek chardonnay. 'Oh, I used to have a hat'.

'That’ll be it', she tells me, before slumping back into her chair, seemingly half asleep.

'Are you here about the economy?'

'Yes', I lie. Sometimes an investigative journalist has to push the boundaries.

Sally takes another drink from her bottle and her eyelids flutter manically. 'Margaret is in the room. She’s saying something about National Insurance'.

'Does she want it to go up? Down?'

'Down!' she says, suddenly leaning forward and fixing me with a terrifying glare. 'And fracking. Ronald has told her it’s for the best. Frack the whole country'.

'Is Reagan there too?' I ask.

'Of course. They’re an item now'.

'What about interest rates?'

'That’s enough for today. I’m tired'. Sally hauls herself upright and scans around for the door. I’m tempted to ask about ghost sex but force myself to stick with economics.

'We need to know. Should they go up? How do we avoid recession?'

Sally is already halfway to the door, staggering a little. 'Privatise something. The NHS. Privatise the NHS. Oh, and she says the Oxford comma is an abomination. Get rid of it'.

And she’s gone. Britain’s leading economic adviser has left the room leaving only a faint aroma of chardonnay and piss, and I realise what the H was all about. Horseshit.

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First published 26 Sep 2022

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'Festival of Thatcher' to charge entry inverse to people's wealth

It has been announced that that the recently announced Margaret Thatcher Centenary event, due to take place in the former Prime Minister's hometown in October, will charge an entry fee inverse to how much money a person actually has.

"It's really quite simple" said one of the 'Festival of Thatcher' organisers "the poorer you are, the more you have to pay. It's exactly what Mrs Thatcher, bless her soul, would have wanted. We really wanted to pull out all the stops to mark 100 years since her birth, and this seems like the perfect way."

"For instance, if you're on benefits and want to come along it'll be £250 to get in each, and that's with no child rates. For the slighty more well off it'd be £100, if you're an executive in a well paying job £25, if you're Jacob Rees-Mogg you'd only have to pay £10 for a family ticket and if you just happened to be a billionaire hedge-fund manager you'll get in for free and also receive a souvenir bag!" 

Although not all of the events have been announced they are expected to include such attractions including games (including Sink the Belgrano and Dunk the Miner), stalls selling various Thatcher memorabilia starting at only £500 and finally the unveiling of a solid gold statue of the Iron Lady charged exclusively to the taxpayer.

"We're all very excited and everyone wants to do their part" said one local "One of my mates is dressing up as John Sergeant and letting people interrupt him and have their staff shove him out of the way."

image from pixabay

author: Garibaldi

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