British waterways pray Theresa Coffey doesn't take to skinny dipping

While much of the country is showing distaste for the state of the UKs waterways and shorelines, the water involved is more concerned that the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has decided to take up wild swimming. 'Turds are a fact of life in British waterways,' mused one stretch of fouled water, 'but at least they tend to float. The displacement alone will give us another bad name,' it added.

Environmentalists don't know whether to be amazed that waterways have developed enough sentience to be able to express opinions on politicians, or surprise that politicians have simply reduced themselves to a level that turd infested water finds them as repellent as the voting public do. A famous stretch of water alongside Brighton used to humans skinny-dipping regurgitated vomit left by a hen party at the thought that Coffey might shed her clothes and enter it.

'I'd rather have Michael Gove skinny dipping,' mused the sea front, 'at least the cocaine takes the edge off'.

Surgeons remove Hancock from Hancock’s butt

In a medical breakthrough that gives hope to hundreds of politicians with heads up their butts, surgeons have successfully removed a former health secretary from his rear end. The procedure was a medical first, showing light at the end of the tunnel for the entire front bench. Medical experts say the procedure was also used to remove a turnip from Therese Coffey, and Nadine Dorries from Boris Johnson.

Mr Hancock said: ‘Having one’s head stuck up one’s butt is stressful and debilitating, but it wasn’t actually my fault. It was shoved-up there by circumstances beyond my control. I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that I stuck my head up my butt to raise awareness of dyslexia.’

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Man who lived off worms and urine employed as consultant by Thérèse Coffey

Jhonatan Acosta who spent a month in the Amazon jungle eating worms and drinking his own urine has been employed by Environment secretary Thérèse Coffey.

Ms Coffey explained: 'Government forecasts suggests that turnips might be something of a luxury item in months to come, but as farmers will tell you, worms are plentiful throughout the year and the government has been stockpiling urine for many years - when we take the piss, we don't just chuck it away. Mr Acosta will be advising the department as we produce a new document entitled 'What to do when the turnips run out.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/anaterate-2348028/

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