'Thiiiings.... can only get wooorse' - Starmer requests D:Ream re-write

Merchant of gloom and man voted most likely to be mistaken for his own waxwork, Keir Starmer has requested that D:Ream's upbeat anthem, adopted by New Labour in 1997, have its lyrics tweaked to reflect the fiscal reality of 2024. 

Labour intern Jodie Johnston said 'The Tories lied so much that Labour are implementing Tory austerity policies in order to un-fuck the budget. That's instead of the Tories implementing Tory austerity policies, in order to fuck poor people. I'm so glad Labour won the election.' 

'Anyway, Keir is very sad about it, which is a human emotion, because he is definitely a human. He was talking a lot about the Tannhauser Gate and tears in the rain, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.' 

Labour Cabinet members play Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore

The members of Keir Starmer’s cabinet have devised their own political version of Snog, Marry, Avoid.  It's called Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore and it helps them to manage scarce resources and to prioritise where to put the effort in.  However, Sir Keir has sworn his cabinet members to secrecy and told them that this method of decision-making must never become public.

An insider, speaking off the record, suggested considering the challenges posed by water companies, teachers, and rail drivers. By discussing these using the Pay Off, Nationalise, Ignore criteria, the issues can be solved fairly easily.  Pay the teachers, nationalise water and ignore the train drivers.

 The next test is rail companies, Harland and Wolff, and doctors. You’ve probably solved that one too. Pay off doctors, nationalise railways and ignore Harland and Wolff.

Each Department is being encouraged to review its challenges using the game.  For example, in defence the three challenges are NATO, troop numbers and procurement. These are easily fixed by paying off NATO, nationalising procurement and ignoring troop numbers.

The methodology can even be applied to Labour Party members. For example, consider the challenges of Tony Blair, Diane Abbott and Jeremy Corbyn. This conundrum is easily solved by paying off Tony Blair, ignoring Diane Abbott and ignoring Jeremy Corbyn. OK. That one doesn’t quite work, but you get the idea.  Maybe a better answer is snog Tony Blair, marry Diane Abbott and avoid Jeremy Corbyn...

Image credit: Wix AI

Tributes pour in for legendary draper Derek Lobbyist

Tributes have been pouring in following the death of Derek Lobbyist, who rose to the very top of the drapers' industry during the premiership of Tony Blair.

A spokesman for the Office of Mr Blair wrote: "He was a tough and sometimes ruthless draper, but no one in the trade compared to Derek. He was a legend. Cloth, curtains - he could drape the lot."

Mr Lobbyist rubbed shoulders with major players in the Labour hierarchy of the 1990s, discussing attractive interior decor options with key members of the National Executive Committee.

He fell from grace in the "Draper-Gate" scandal, when he was caught by undercover journalists boasting that he could provide fabrics and furnishings to almost any minister in the Blair cabinet.

But even after that, he remained a force in UK drapery.

"I reckon Derek could have won the contract to do all those plush curtains and whatnot that Carrie wanted in Number Ten," said an anonymous reporter for the trade magazine, The Draper.

"But Derek would never have draped for the Tories."

After an entire career devoted to draping, Mr Lobbyist leaves behind him 400 sets of velvetine swish curtains, 700 imitation silk nylon coverlets and 2,000 bolts of merino-style rayon cloth.

Image: anaterate - Pixabay

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