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Tory Government to introduce law to say Brexit not shit

After tabling a bill saying that Rwanda, a country that doesn't extend fundamental Human Rights to even its own population, is a safe place for the UK to send refugees, the world's most vulnerable people, the Conservative Government is to enact a "Brexit isn't shit" law.


"A lot of people who were very vocal about Brexit before it happened have been forced to go very quiet when people even mention it, obliged to mumble something about boat migrants or Coutts bank account closures," said the new Brexit Isn't Shit Minister, François Duncan-Jacobs.


"This legislation empowers these voiceless victims of facts, enabling them to point to it and emphatically say: 'there!'". The new law will hold the distinction of being the world's shortest law, it's length designed to fall within the famous Brexiteer 3-word attention span.


A consultation on the roll-out of similar 'not shit' laws found it would significantly improve all areas of Government, especially the department of environment, which plans to end pollution of Britain's waterways with a 'shit isn't shit' law.




Sunak unveils £30B "Excuse-o-tron"




Prime Minister Rishi Sunak today unveiled the UK government funded "Excuse-o-tron" costing the tax-payer over thirty billion pounds.


"I am delighted to unveil this vital, UK developed technology today of all todays," he told a hastily put together press briefing, "gone are the days of 'leaves on the line' or the 'wrong type of snow'!" He continued, "This technology guarantees plausible, bite sized, media friendly excuses in a fraction of time it takes our convential, manual spin doctors. This technology could save us time, stress and most important may even save us at the next election." The ammased press laughed heartily.


As a demonstration, Mr Sunak asked the "Excuse-o-tron" to explain the recent Conservative by-election losses. The machine popped up a constantly shifting word cloud with phrases like "protest vote", "problematic predecessors", "low turn-out", "voter apathy" and "mid-term fatigue".


The demonstration took a more sinister turn as the word cloud then start to spurt out words such as "George Soros", "The Deep State", "Q" whilst emitting a loud curious, monotone wailing before finally replacing the word cloud with one word, "CORBYN!".


The demonstration was quickly brought to a halt by scientists heard to whisper, "quickly before it goes full Farage!"


After recent losses, Tories consider not using awful people




In a bold move, the conservative party have decided against using terrible individuals as MPs. This shocking manoeuvre was deemed necessary when a pattern was spotted by in house election specialists.


They decided that employing bullies, both emotional and physical, worryingly didn’t please the general public. Even firing them, then immediately rehiring them didn't provide positive feedback.


Even though a core element of supporters seemed to enjoy the incompetent racist vibe, it was difficult to attract new voters. A tactic of lining you and your mates own pockets with fast tracked money schemes was deemed sub-optimal in focus groups.


Using terrible people to choose who to employ next, ended up with more terrible people. A statement by a source close to the Conservative party said: ”Weird.”


They even tried a daring tactic of using desperate media whores who didn't care about their constituency. Surprising no one, apart from the entire party, this did not work well at all.


Conservative Alexander de Pfeffel Johnson was alleged to have been heard by someone close as saying “Only way to win is to bring back Boris!” The surrounding conservatives cheered.


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