After recent losses, Tories consider not using awful people

In a bold move, the conservative party have decided against using terrible individuals as MPs. This shocking manoeuvre was deemed necessary when a pattern was spotted by in house election specialists.

They decided that employing bullies, both emotional and physical, worryingly didn’t please the general public. Even firing them, then immediately rehiring them didn't provide positive feedback.

Even though a core element of supporters seemed to enjoy the incompetent racist vibe, it was difficult to attract new voters. A tactic of lining you and your mates own pockets with fast tracked money schemes was deemed sub-optimal in focus groups.

Using terrible people to choose who to employ next, ended up with more terrible people. A statement by a source close to the Conservative party said: ”Weird.”

They even tried a daring tactic of using desperate media whores who didn't care about their constituency. Surprising no one, apart from the entire party, this did not work well at all.

Conservative Alexander de Pfeffel Johnson was alleged to have been heard by someone close as saying “Only way to win is to bring back Boris!” The surrounding conservatives cheered.

Image: Pixabay/aitoff

Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots

NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.

According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.

“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”

However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”

Image: PixabayComputrizer

Tories to tell BBC to reinstate Playschool

Getting political messages out to all age groups became more difficult with the advent of the Interweb, a spokestwat from a Tufty Club think tank told Newsbiscuit. “Fewer people are buying newspapers these days; and political parties are appallingly bad at engaging the electorate on social media, because that relies on two-way conversations, which inevitably end up in tears. What’s needed is a return to good old-fashioned TV messaging. People used to shout at politicians on the telly, but nobody ever heard what they said, so overall, TV messaging was very effective.”

Analysts who have studied viewing habits and demographics in detail for decades, believe the Tory party is missing a trick by ignoring the captive audience that Playschool was intended for – essentially people with little experience of real life, do sod all to contribute, but expect the world to be handed to them on a plate.

“To be frank,” said one, “this year’s Tory conference was largely comprised from bits of old Playschool scripts, so it wouldn’t be like the BBC could get accused of bias.”

Image: Pixabay/pvdberg