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Tory election slogan leaked: "let's kill kids"



"Let's Kill Kids" is going to be next year's Conservative election campaign slogan, according to party strategist Lucretia Malmsey, speaking at an "elite briefing session" in the bar of the Hilton Manchester at 2am this morning.


"Young people nowadays are all snowflakes" drawled the 33-year-old Eton-educated policy advisor, oblivious to something that looked rather like snowflakes dribbling out of her nose, "and children - yuk! Noisy, whiney screen addicts. Who can't vote."


She outlined the "quick quick slow" policy platform:

  • Quick - increase speed limits on residential streets "where data shows most kids live";

  • Quick - let schools fall on them;

  • Slow - scrap the home energy efficiency taskforce - and "conserve Britain's historic stock" of lethally mouldy, cold and damp houses - "only Labour voters live in them anyway";

  • Even Slower - scrap support for any form of low carbon transport "to accelerate climate breakdown after all our members are all dead anyway".

"It's bold, it's bullsh!t, it's thrillingly psychopathic - so the press will love it" confided Ms Malmsey "and unlike most political slogans, we actually mean it!"




"Stop sending us these freaks!" plead residents of the Chiltern Hundreds


'I know where we live is only a desolate patch of bogland somewhere to the south of Aylesbury," said a spokesman for the residents of the Chiltern Hundreds, 'but we were happy here.

'That's until Parliament started trucking in a series of freaks and misfits to be our 'Steward and Bailiff'. Apparently, that's the law. If you want out of the Commons, you have to come and run this place. 'The first steward creature was a blond-haired, scruffy kind of orangutang which lurched around the place brandishing a champagne bottle and touching people for money.' "Come on, chaps!" it'd say. "Help out an old Tory toff when he's on his uppers! Some of us have wallpaper bills to pay!" 'But he was a pussy cat compared to our current Steward and Bailiff. 'She's spent the past week staggering through the village lanes swigging Jägerbombs, spray-painting walls with graffiti saying "Rishi is a bummer", flicking V-signs at passers-by and screaming 'I should be a bleeding Lady!' at the top of her lungs. 'And I've had a tip-off that the next degenerate to be foisted on us is Matt Hancock. 'I swear that if he sets foot here, we'll string him up. It's the only language these political deadbeats understand.'

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