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Guardian decides identity politics not such a good idea after all


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The election of Kemi Badenoch as Tory leader has led leftwing firebrand newspaper the Guardian to conclude that maybe identity politics isn’t such a good idea after all.


”For years, our position has been not to judge issues on their merits, but to automatically take the side of any minority group involved. Except on gender, where we assume the majority (women) must be in the right.


”Obviously that’s not ideal when the Tories have a black female leader, almost certainly facing a white male Labour leader at the next election.


”Fortunately we have an out, which we call the “Uncle Tom” or “coconut” clause, which applies when an ethnic minority doesn’t believe or act as we think they should. Basically, we’re arguing that by being successful, the person has essentially become white. Which is in no way racist on our part. I think.”


The spokesman went on to say that the Guardian would have no problem having a black editor, as the only criterion has always been that they should live within five minutes' walk of Hampstead Heath.




Opposition more effective with 8 ft inflatable middle finger leading Tories

The Conservative Membership have rejected the cream of dismal incompetents on offer to lead their Party in favour of a large, inflatable middle digit.


'This will say all we need to say,' explained Marjory Pitchfork, 73, and leader of the Young Conservatives. 'During the harridan Rachel Reeves' Budget speech, we employed the services of the loudest, clankiest old diesel generator to drown her out while our Middle Finger Of Glory slowly inflated.


'It sends out a clear message to this disastrous Labour government and the entire country that we are to be taken seriously. The Finger will represent our thinking on all matters of national importance in the House of Commons, and will stand with pre-inflated pride during PMQs, on BBC Question Time, and when delivering speeches at Party Conference. Hail to our new and Glorious Master, who will lead us into the next general election and become our beloved prime minister.'


'I might have found it distracting,' responded Chancellor Rachel Reeves, 'but they ordered an inflatable thumb instead of a middle finger.


'I'll take that.'


The Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer added, 'Once they recognised their error, they did replace the thumb with a middle finger. Thus far, however, I have not been intimidated. That is largely because they keep inflating it the wrong way round.


'Ed Miliband finds it quite arousing, actually.'




Slowly lowered banner of Liz Truss causes lettuce to flounce off stage

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A lettuce attempting to promote its vacuous new book 10 Days 'Til The Rocket Goes Off was rudely mocked when a banner of Liz Truss slowly unfurled behind it.



'I should have the freedom to be in any manky salad I like,' sulked the lettuce, before exiting stage left, pursued by a giant rabbit.



But having more nous than a former short-tolerated leader of the UK, the lettuce returned, recognising that self-promotion is what it's all about. 'I suppose you've done me a great favour. Otherwise, this event wouldn't have been even a blip on anyone's radar. Thank you.'



Showing a modicum of character and displaying considerably more backbone than the amateur economy crasher, the lettuce continued, 'If you can't laugh at yourself, then you really shouldn't be in this game, right?



'Now, as I was saying, let me tell you about the time I outlasted - and indeed outperformed - a Prime Minister...'


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