Having sullied the seemingly unending summer with increasingly frantic promises to lower taxes, inflation, immigration, hopes, integrity and class, the Conservative leadership contenders have only one thing left to lower: their focus-grouped, aide-fluffed physical selves.
Giving the final two weeks of the contest a carnival air, ‘Leadership Limbo’ sees the rivals battling it out to wriggle under a hastily appropriated broom handle on Great Yarmouth beach, desultorily lowered by two slightly menacing ‘Kiddyland’ employees.
Setting a trademark low bar, Truss’s smirk of triumph at her awkward squirm was slightly compromised by the urgent need to spit out three nitrous oxide canisters and what aides quickly dismissed as ‘probably not a used condom’.
Sunak’s commitment to sinking even lower saw him forced to tearfully drag his coiffure through an impressive pile of beach donkey manure. This lost the former Mr Byrite Southampton 1996-8 all-important poise points, but garnered grudging applause from the excited crowd of confused pensioners and waterlogged migrants.
With all to play for, upcoming rounds can be seen on Sky channel Loss of Dignity 374 every night, alongside political let’s-party summer roadshow programming including Brexit Bonanza Bingo, Hook a Duckhouse, Shooting Rogues Gallery, Ghost Train A Few More Nurses, and Coconut Shy About The Actual Numbers.