Govt ministers doing TV round will ditch facts in favour of barefaced lies

It's being reported today government ministers doing daily TV studio rounds will no longer seek to defend the catastrophic shambles they call governance. Instead, they will simply tell barefaced lies on policy and performance.

First in to bat was Home Secretary, James Cleverly. Is that still his job?

Without even a sightly shifty sideways glance, he insisted all legacy asylum cases have now been dealt with one hundred percent as per the party's previous claim, regardless of what factchecking agencies say.

When challenged that his statement was nothing more than a laughable attempt to cook the books, Cleverly stuck his fingers in his ears and said: ''Tizn't, tizn't tizn't. It's  jolly well true... so there.'

Further scepticism only drew a double down response: 'We've done it. Yes, believe me, I should know because I'm a government minister, and we've now decided on the Cabinet WhatsApp group that anything we say is true.

'Therefore, I'm also delighted to be able to announce the 7 million plus NHS waiting list has now been trimmed down to a single Scunthorpe man called Alan, and that's just an ingrowing toenail op. We are clearly the most competent government this country has ever seen.'

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet

Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.

'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Government misses target of 40 new hospitals - by 41

A shamed Health Minister was forced to admit that they had mislaid one: 'Not only have we failed to provide any new services, it transpires that the Royal Hospital, Wolverhampton, has been replaced by a Primark.

'It's not that we've lost it, it's just not where we left it. We've looked in all the usual places and retraced our steps. Quite frankly, we're beginning to doubt there was a hospital at all.

'Possibly it was swallowed by a sink hole or stolen by teenagers? It seems to have disappeared just at the same time all the NHS funding we promised disappeared. It's very frustrating, if we can't find it, how are we meant to sell it off?'

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