Tories deliver completed promise of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists

The UK government excellence machine has churned out another win you should know about. Always delivering on everything all of the time, and sinews so strained haemorrhoids are popping out the bottom, this one could so easily have been lost in all of the other successes.

Downing Street spokesperson, Binki Pfeffel, announced, 'This is another great day and another great victory. We have completed our promise to deliver 40 new hospitals. We have done this by completing what was an incomplete promise at the time it was made of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists.

'And we have gone further. There are also 40 new hospitals signs. That's 40 brand new road signs pointing to where existing hospitals are. This is precisely what the Great British people deserve.

'But wait... there's more. We have also opened 40 news hospitals. Any news which shows symptoms of being bad for us will now automatically be quarantined in one of these marvellous news hospitals. It will undergo world-beating treatment, until it is declared good, healthy news, and allowed out in public.'

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Government introduces new P.O.O.R. tax.

As rising prices make even basic necessities unaffordable to anyone on a low income, the government has announced plans for a new ‘Purchase Of Ordinary Requisites’ (P.O.O.R.) tax, which will add 100% to the cost of many everyday items. A government spokesb@stard said, “There seems to be some confusion among those on low pay, which leads them to believe that despite their reluctance to earn a decent wage, they should still be entitled to a basic standard of living. This new tax will make life easier for them, by making it obvious that they must do without certain items if they are too lazy to earn enough money to pay for them.” Some of the items which will be subject to the new 100% P.O.O.R. tax are: Cheese: This used to be considered as an affordable basic foodstuff, but the price of cheese has rocketed in recent months. Traditionally, cheese was an essential ingredient of a Ploughman’s Lunch, but with the addition of the P.O.O.R. tax to the already high price of cheese, ploughmen and other agricultural labourers will have to make do with nothing but a thin scraping of cheap margarine on their sandwiches. The government advises those who cannot afford cheese to eat cake, although a small allowance of Dairylea is being considered for anyone who is willing to pick fruit. Energy: The government believes that poor people don’t need gas or electricity, reasoning that if they can’t afford to buy food, they won’t need to use energy for cooking. As lack of food causes low blood sugar which leads to symptoms such as sweating, they won’t need energy for heating, either. Holidays: The government regards holidays as an unnecessary extravagance for anyone who isn’t a Tory MP. Even a rainy weekend in a caravan in Skegness is too much of a luxury for minimum wage earning plebs. Housing: Rising mortgage interest rates and high rents are making it too expensive for many people to afford a home. The government advises those who don’t earn enough to keep a roof over their head to live in a tent. Unfortunately, as tents are classed as an item which could be used on a camping holiday, they will be subject to the 100% P.O.O.R. tax which applies to holidays. Just in case the P.O.O.R. tax doesn’t succeed in making those who are already struggling financially totally miserable, the government is also planning to employ ‘Sunshine, Mirth, Infectious Laughter and Enjoyment’ (S.M.I.L.E.) Wardens, who will impose on-the-spot fines on anyone on a low income who still looks happy.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/

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Tory Outrage Machine in danger of overheating

The Conservative Party’s faux outrage machine may overheat following Labour’s decision to hire Sue Gray and Boris Johnson’s decision to be guilty of all charges, but still maintain that he isn’t. Even though he is, as the Tories love law and order, but don’t think it applies to them.

A spokesperson for Sue Gray said ‘She’s so neutral, even her name is Gray. As a civil servant, she worked with the Conservative government of the day. She’s been exposed to so much cognitive dissonance, maybe joining Labour is a cry for psychological help.’

Tory intern Hootington-Hurst walloped the outrage machine with a spanner saying ‘To operate this machine you need to wear high quality PPE, not the kind of PPE that Matt Hancock would source. Much like Isabel Oakeshott, that is way too leaky.’

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