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Leaked plan to hold up placard behind Boris Johnson in PMQs


An audacious plan by Tory rebels to hold up a placard behind the PM that says "HE'S LYING AGAIN" has come to the knowledge of our political correspondent, however it's unclear how the plan can succeed, given the phalanx of Tory whips that now block the entrance to the Commons armed with pilums and the gladius, which by tradition, needs to be hung in the members' cloakroom to prevent blood being spilled on the luxurious Commons carpets and furnishings.


Boris Johnson's current biographer told us "This H&S nonsense is all part of the Johnson plan. He dreamed of being Julius Caesar when he was a nipper, then it was Winston Churchill, but now he dreams of being Vladimir Putin. He's already instructed Lulu Lytle to redesign his flat so that it can accommodate a dining table so long, he needs a telescope to see his wife and kids sitting at the other end of it; and his plans for the refurbishment of the Houses of Parliament are causing concern among architects in whether it's possible for each side of the chamber to hear each other, given the distance Johnson now wants between the despatch boxes.


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/sarahlarkin-1640973/

Calling UK government 'liars' exactly like calling a mega-tsunami 'a bit lappy'


Calling the Prime Minister and his selection of senior ministers 'serial liars' is falling on deliberately deaf ears. ' It's just a bit of fibbing and should be expected from our most upstanding and decent and honourable members of parliament,' said Doreen from Bournemouth, who is herself so powerful that she is directly responsible for the last two UK Prime Ministers rising to power.

Doreen has been labelled the 'Putin of Britain,' for her ability to install and maintain puppet regimes with the very opposite agendas of serving the interests of the British people. She is herself, however, immune to such labels as she has purposely turned down her hearing aid. 'I'm not interested in what people say, I am only interested in talking the ears off anyone in listening range. What do you think this is? Some sort of democracy? Grow a backbone, you pathetic snowflakes.'

In response, a leading UK barrister specialising in political law noted, 'Doreen is right. The Prime Minister and his fawning Cabinet of nodding hogs should not be called liars. Their consistently disproven and always laughably self-evident faux rhetoric should be more correctly referred to as Fraudulent Misrepresentation.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/renatados-12212332/

Brian Dobbins denies having a party in his shed last Christmas


In a heated debate in the Dobbins' household, the leader of the ruling occupiers denied rumours that 'two or more' people had engaged in workshop-type activity in his garden shed on December 18 last year when Tier three rules were in force.


'I deny that there was any woodworking activity carried on in that shed by anyone other than myself on my own, and if there was any woodworking activity carried on inside that shed by two or more people at that time I was unaware of it,' he stated, while confirming he had the only key to the shed 'since Margaret accidently dropped the spare down the outside drain last year.'


When asked about the wonky gazebo that appeared in the garden just before Christmas with 'lengths of wood that would have been impossible to handle on his own', Dobbins denied there was anything irregular about the gazebo apart from the measurements which made it lean very much to the right whenever any of his household complained about him.


'It didn't get made, and if it did I didn't make it, and if it was made and I was there then it was made with everyone, including myself, socially distanced, which didn't happen as it wasn't made. I've been advised the Covid restrictions were followed strenuously at all times,' he insisted.


Margaret Dobbins, who has previously smoothed the less than tranquil waters of Dobbins' Towers, as the family home is known, broke down into tears when a WhatsApp video was circulated on the neighbourhood group showing her practising denying a gazebo had been made, with the gazebo clearly behind her, leaning so far to the right it was almost horizontal. Mrs Dobbins has now resigned from speaking for the family.


In a separate debate with neighbours the Dobbins' have distanced themselves from the selection of 'tacky gold effect' wallpaper hung in the lounge. 'It was in the remnants bin at B&Q, had been a million pounds a roll but was being sold of for 50 pence the lot,' explained Mr Dobbins. 'Sure it's tasteless, but it's what the missus likes,' he said, denying he'd taken money out of Dobbins' junior's pocket money to pay for it. 'It was just a loan, I didn't know where it came from,' he said today.






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