‘No trainers’ rule at polling stations

Citizens hoping to vote at next month’s local elections have been told to “bring photo ID and dress smartly” or risk being turned away.

‘Voting is a solemn civic duty’, a spokesman said. ‘We can’t have riff raff turning up in ripped jeans or trainers. This is a classy country, we don’t want that sort’.

Voter fraud is a massive problem, causing as many as 0.0000001% of votes to be incorrectly cast. The problem has been identified as postal votes, so voters are being advised not to wear trainers when they walk to the postbox and to take a photo of themselves posting the vote, just in case.

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak (yes, really) has been criticised by members of his party for “wasting” the move at the local elections, when it would have more effect at next year’s General Election. ‘Just like Rishi to go off prematurely’, one MP told us. ‘Or so I’ve heard. Boris would have done gerrymandering properly’.

Despite the government’s best efforts, the local elections are likely to be a bloodbath for Conservative councils. Also, despite the government’s best efforts, the pound will continue sinking, inflation will go up, rents will be unaffordable, rivers of shit will flow (apologies to E Powell), children will drown in the Channel, people will die waiting for an ambulance and the world will gaze on, agog, wondering whether the Conservative Party will select “Ozymandias” as its poem of the year.

Brexit saves Britain from Europe murder train

In the first significant benefit of leaving the European Union, our brave Brexiteers have ensured that the evil Orient Express will no longer abuse our glorious rail network.

The train of death, a bane on our otherwise perfect crime statistics, is a pit of elitist depravity and is full of philanderers, murderers and even Belgians.

Brexit has put a stop to this and it is in no way the company's decision because of extra bureaucracy. Nope, not that at all.

A Brexit spokesperson was quoted saying, 'Good riddance. Now to stop the direct train to Euro Disney. What? They are already going to do that?'

www.newsbiscuit.com

South West Trains accidentally runs train on time

Commuters were left aghast after South West Trains accidentally ran a train on time.

Tara Taylor said 'What will I complain about to my colleagues now? More importantly, what's my excuse for being an hour late to the office? Thanks for nothing.'

A spokesman said 'We apologise for the correct running of that service. Normally we would arbitrarily cancel any train that looked like it might run on time. Maybe change its platform last minute so we can watch people scurry about like the worthless ants - the scum - that we believe them to be.'

'The best part is that private train companies rake more in government subsidies than it would cost to run a nationalised network. But as any Tory shareholder will tell you, the private sector does everything better. And that includes shitting all over the travelling public.'