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According to the UN, Russian troops have pulled out from the border with Ukraine following Liz Truss’ threat to deploy the ultimate deterrent – herself.
Russian President and sometime bare-chested taxi driver Vladimir Putin said she was violating international treaties and codes of conduct. After quaking in his boots for thirty seconds, he made a statement: ‘The reckless actions of ‘The Truss’ were those of a deranged madman, much like myself. I thought Johnson was the worlds worse foreign secretary, what with trying to start a war with me over my world cup and saying I was like Hitler.
This crazy woman is talking about banning the import of our world-famous Baboushka dolls, which account for over 91% of our economy. Imagine having her living next door?
The only way we can counter such a terrifying threat is to hope that our glorious revolutionary inter-continental self–aggrandising missiles will shut her the fuck up.’
Updated: Jun 21, 2022
The Type 45 guided missile destroyer HMS Defender was recently involved in some slightly spicy shenanigans in the Black Sea, near to Russia or Ukraine, depending on who you ask.
A Royal Navy spokesman said ‘Keep politics out of football? Cry me a river.’
He did concede that HMS Defender was being played out of position.
‘It’s so easy to get total war mixed up with total football. We want to play with greater fluidity as we are, by definition, in the sea. So HMS Defender was playing closer to HMS Midfield Pivot to help us move things forward.’
‘We’ve got two HMS Willing Runners moving out wide and HMS False Nine drifting all over the place up front… actually, is it supposed to be doing that?’
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