Save Big Dog! Declare War!

With the Cabinet Room table creaking under the weight of dead cats and empty wine bottles, Boris Johnson has decided to have a nice little war to save his skin and take the heat off the upcoming investigation by the Parliamentary Standards Committee. It's a well-known alternative fact that the UK cannot change PM during a war, even though it has several times. The war itself will be a nice, easily winnable, TV friendly war fought against a small third world country selected at random – bad luck Benin.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘The war in Ukraine is at arm’s length. We need to get stuck in ourselves and cause unnecessary pain, suffering and death until Boris is somehow in the clear and his approval ratings are high enough to win the next election. Bozza will have blood on his hands – again – but this time most of it will be from foreigners with dark skin, which actually appeals to the Tory base.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘I think I'm still drunk from last night, who did we declare war on? Well, at least any fleeing asylum seekers being sent directly to Rwanda won’t have as far to go, which is environmentally friendly. And the UK invading an African country for no reason is very much on-brand. BoJo has always had the air of a cruel provincial governor in the age of the Raj. As we’re invading somewhere, best to let the British Museum know too – those displays don’t fill themselves.'

Ukraine crisis is ‘Peace Avoidance’ not 'Peace Evasion'

Taking inspiration from the shifting ethics of the British banking sector, President Putin has agreed to withdraw troops from the border provided he can deposit seized Ukrainian assets into a Swiss Bank account. In exchange for a cessation of violence, Vladimir Putin will be given a life peerage, an offshore account and a place on the board of HSBC.

Worryingly Russian expansion has been on the rise ever since they forcibly relocated Crimea to the Cayman Islands. HMRC has offered to broker a peace deal; a spokesperson said: ‘Technically it’s not an invasion, it’s a leverage buyout – which will also involve annexing Poland as a charitable trust’.

Russian warship spontaneously combusts

Asked if the flagship of the Black Sea Fleet had been struck by a Ukrainian missile, the Almost As Great Dictator was adamant. “No it just caught fire. You know, steel… it’s pretty flammable stuff. I never let Alina have steel cookware in our kitchen. We have to think of the children.”

Western analysts were not taken by the deflection but are puzzled as to whether he thought it was better state propaganda to admit an enemy was capable of damaging a vessel possessing three kinds of missile defence, or to admit that his most important naval asset in the region was just a hazardous pile of self-combustible crap from the beginning.

Warship Battleship Sms Moltke - Free photo on Pixabay