According to the UN, Russian troops have pulled out from the border with Ukraine following Liz Truss’ threat to deploy the ultimate deterrent – herself.
Russian President and sometime bare-chested taxi driver Vladimir Putin said she was violating international treaties and codes of conduct. After quaking in his boots for thirty seconds, he made a statement: ‘The reckless actions of ‘The Truss’ were those of a deranged madman, much like myself. I thought Johnson was the worlds worse foreign secretary, what with trying to start a war with me over my world cup and saying I was like Hitler.
This crazy woman is talking about banning the import of our world-famous Baboushka dolls, which account for over 91% of our economy. Imagine having her living next door?
The only way we can counter such a terrifying threat is to hope that our glorious revolutionary inter-continental self–aggrandising missiles will shut her the fuck up.’