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Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.
'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.
Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.
'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.
Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.
Image: stux | Pixabay
Whenever a government minister totally craps the British bed we all have to lie in, they run away to Ukraine to have a bit of the Zelenskyy magic rub off on them. It cleanses the ills, dirt and utter filth, at least until the moment they return and immediately diarrhoea it all up again. It is known in Conservative circles as "Ukraine Washing".
'Unfortunately, there are so many Tories constantly fouling everything back home that there is a very long queue here,' sighed General Melnyk, of the Kyiv Guard. 'We could have panned the arses off those bloody Russians by now and stuffed them back in their shitty box - or poo tin, as it translates in Ukrainian - if we didn't have to keep stopping to smile and pretend we give a festering turd about what some dupka has shat up in Britain.
A Whitehall cleaning lady confirmed, 'You wouldn't think so much could come out of something so tiny. Rishi will just have to take himself and his pants full of excrement to the Russian laundromat instead. You know, the one round the corner here in Londongrad.'
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