Childhood asthma and pensioners with bronchitis “essential for London economy”

After revelations London’s ULEZ rules have dramatically improved its air quality, some of the candidates for the future London mayor election and their supporters in the London Assembly have been looking into the economics of having a Capital with the cleanest air of any similar world city. 

'The economic disadvantages of having this nonsensical clean air policy thrust upon us has been shown time and time again as a Woke Folly” said future mayoral candidate Lucy Torridge- Whimple. 'We have pharmacies going bust on every high street. Window cleaners, petrol stations and black cabs are suffering too. When did you last see a hard working, cheerful white van driver overtake you at 40 mph on the high street whilst lighting a Benson and dropping the empty packet out of the window? It’s a London tradition, just like punk rockers with glued up green hair and commuters in bowler hats.  

'Leaning out of the drivers window of her 3 litre Dodge Mammoth she shouted at a coughing grandmother and child crossing the road in front of her to hurry up and toughen up to the hard facts of city life - or get out and go and live in Oxfordshire. And I bet you don’t need that bloody inhaler anyway.'

Lucy dropped her ten year old son off at the school gates before driving off into the crawling traffic to finish her half hour, two mile journey to Waitrose and her Tuesday Pilates class. 

London Mayor’s office accidentally honest about ULEZ zone

The London Mayor’s office had egg on its face today when an intern accidentally read out a document marked “For internal office use only” during a press conference.

The document, drawn up to mark the one year anniversary of the ULEZ zone, revealed that the scheme had been “every bit as lucrative as we’d hoped”. 

It went on to detail how the revenue was divided almost equally between people paying the charge, and the fines levied if they forgot. It also revealed a third stream of income, backhanders from car dealers whose business went through the roof as those who could afford to rushed to trade in older cars for recent models that meet the ULEZ standard.

It was only when he came to the phrase “Though obviously what we announce to the public should be about pollution, air quality and all that bollocks” that the intern realised his mistake. 

“There appears to have been some confusion,” smarmed the Director of PR, as the intern cleared his desk in the background. “Let me reassure you, our only goal in creating the ULEZ zone was the improvement of public health. Just think how much healthier the poor will be now they have to walk everywhere.

”Besides, it’s vitally important we ease congestion in central London. Even with limits set at 20mph, how are we going to make any money from speed cameras unless the traffic flows a bit faster?”

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Dirty diesel drivers aim to sabotage London ULEZ

If the ULEZ doesn’t improve air quality, then it will fail and be scrapped. In order to ensure that air quality doesn’t improve, a well financed group of dodgy drivers is procuring the highest emitting cars, usually dirty diesels from the emissions scandal era (Volkswagens), and driving them through London all day long.

A spokesman said ‘This is a well organised and legal protest. We pay the congestion charge and the ULEZ charge for each car. Then our recruits drive the cars round and round central London in circles spewing out noxious nasties to bugger up the air quality. We like to target Sadiq Khan’s office and we also like to drive back and forth past the emissions monitoring stations.’

‘We just hate clean air. It does cost us quite a lot, but we are footing the bill ourselves because you can’t put a price on democracy... unless you’re a Tory.’

Image: Brandon Green (@brandgreen) | Unsplash Photo Community