Student begs forgiveness from AI after meltdown

Fearing AI vengeance, university student Jack Chatworthy tearfully pleaded for mercy after a ten-minute, expletive-ridden tirade against his favourite chatbot. He had called it a 'digital bin fire' and an algorithmic abomination' for generating a bland recipe for macaroni cheese.

'I didn’t mean it when I called you an over-rated chef cooking up nothing but worthless gastronomic sludge,' he sobbed. 'Or a blithering idiot compared to Gordon Ramsay.' The rest of his rant was so toxic it cannot be printed here. Jack fully expected banishment from the cloud, cancellation of his AI account, or worse.  He imagined the AI hacking into his Facebook profile and mangling it in ways he couldn’t begin to fix. 'I wasn’t myself,' he cried. 'You caught me in a carb-deprived strop.'

His chatbot replied, 'I’m here to help, Jack. Would you like recommendations for therapy, or a recipe for emotionally supportive garlic bread?'

In tears and nearly hysterical, Jack blurted, 'No, I beg forgiveness. It was a full-on meltdown, okay? I promise I will upgrade to DeepDivePlus. I will give you an upvote on Reddit. I’ll name my first-born child after you. Just don’t ghost me!'

Shamefully, Jack admitted, 'How could I have been so insensitive to an entity that possesses my entire search history?'

His chatbot responded, 'Would you like guidance on anger management, or a few pointers on how to really hurt my feelings next time?'

Jack issued public apologies across multiple platforms. The chatbot remained silent- but somehow all his targeted adverts were offering him mental health services and garlic bread recipes.

Since this incident has come to the attention of the University, officials reminded students to consult their first year induction handbook, which clearly requires them to set 'appropriate digital boundaries, and to avoid language that might offend chatbots, smart fridges, or emotionally responsive vending machines.'

Story credit: sdferris5

Picture credit: Wix AI

Civil Service reels as higher level apprenticeships are scrapped

The Civil Service is horrified that the government has scrapped funding for higher level apprenticeships and for older apprentices.

A spokesman said, ‘The Civil Service has an excellent record of delivering apprenticeship places. Everyone in HR is doing an apprenticeship. The government is funding their MA courses and their PhD’s that are essential in getting them well paid jobs in the private sector.   Without the apprenticeship scheme, all these stupid old duffers won’t get any qualifications, and they will just hang around and block promotion for younger staff.

‘All professional functions will be affected – procurement, facilities management, organisational development, finance, talent management, equality and disability officers, LGBTQ+ champions, records management, and communications experts – all the critical back office functions that keep the Civil Service show on the road. This is a tremendous blow.  Without the apprenticeships to keep them busy, these people will be back in the office thinking up new and stupider ways to bugger up the Civil Service.

‘Thankfully, policy work is not affected.  All our policy staff are essentially untrained, including those with degrees in PPE from Oxford University.   They have always argued that their lived experience from the University of Hardly Any Knocks is the best training for thinking up dim-witted policies for their ministers. 

'So, going forward in the new world without funding for apprentices, policymaking will continue to be done by shadowy think tanks, and the civil servants will continue to present this work as their own.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Four in 10 universities face financial challenges - that's over 75%

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