Danny Dyer to join Starmer’s US negotiating team

This morning the Prime Minster announced that Danny Dyer will be joining his US trade negotiating team. Starmer said “In films Danny Dyer has proved himself adept at working in environments populated by poorly educated sociopaths, therefore Trump’s Whitehouse should be easy for him to deal with.”

Sir Keir went on, “Negotiating with them won’t be easy though, they are a very tough, but no tougher than the Millwall were outside the Bell-End Pub, and besides JD Vance is not expected to be tooled up, other than by carrying a laptop.” Danny Dyer has been warned in advance not to offer 'marching powder' during the discussions because Trump doesn’t do drugs and Sir Keir has very limited nasal passageways.

image from pixabay

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Starmer increases defence spending to resurrect Clive Dunn

In a surprise announcement on Tuesday afternoon, Sir Keir Starmer announced a defence budget increase to 2.5% of GDP by 2027. Critics have argued, however, that even with this increase Britain’s armed forces are still woefully inadequate.

Sir Keir commenting on the criticism said, “I know some people have said the increase in the defence budget is not going to be enough but let me tell you, I would like to see the look on Putin’s soldiers faces when they see our armed forces coming at them armed with a sharp stick that could have someone’s eye out, a strongly worded lawyers letter, or a bold stare.”

He went on “The US might have the defence budget to create genetically modified elite soldiers, but we will have enough money to genetically resurrect Clive Dunn. Just think, if Russian armour pours into a Ukraine they will have to contend with Jones’s butcher’s van. I know which side I’d rather be on.”

image from pixabay

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Senior Management Roles in US Government – jobs suddenly available

Senior management vacancies - suddenly available right now (various locations, all in the US)

Re-numeration: 80,000 – 120,000 Meme Coin - minus benefits

Hours: Yes

Suitable for angry, scared and resentful individuals who don’t waste time on critical thinking. This role will provide plenty of opportunities for revenge and power trips. You will be told exactly what to say and will be provided resources to conduct your own research on.

Required skills:

• Being Male (At birth and currently)

• If you are non-Caucasian or non-straight, or even, worst case, a woman, then you must make up for that in advanced anger skills and cutting-edge hypocrisy

• Preferred social media must be Truth Social or X (Referring to this as Twitter is immediate rejection)

• Xenophobia an advantage, even if you don't fully know what that means

• Must be a True Patriot - provide supporting convictions and how far you got on Jan 6th 2021

• Must have over 88,000 online followers, 90% of which can be bots

• Ownership of a high-end podcast microphone is preferred along with a wall mounted firearm which is to be visible in all video conference calls.

In your job application, include your aims in a twelve-word phrase or four word slogan

Picture credit: WIX AI + deskpilot