Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin

'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team.

'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean.

'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl bread rolls at waitresses endlessly, a droid repair lab for Theresa 'Maybot' May, and a walk-in fridge in which Keir 'Blancmange' Starmer can sit doing sweet FA, as usual. Rishi can stand under a running shower dressed in his Saville Row suit, repeatedly announcing elections.

'Every one of these PMs was useless, but all in their own sweet ways,' said the newly-appointed matron of Dunrulin, Hattie Jacques. 'That's why we will give them the most tender, loving care in their declining years.

'Apart from Liz 'Barmpot' Truss. The only place we can safely put her is the padded cell.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Slow Horses to sue Reform over copyright infringement

Spy comedy writer Mick Herron is rumoured* to be considering legal action after discovering that Reform is really just Slough House for Tories.

Slough House is Herron’s fictional home for failed spies, the MI5 dumping ground where washouts (aka Slow Horses) are banished to spend their days in pointless tasks, ruled over by an obnoxious, foul-mouthed chain-smoking tramp with Russian connections.

‘Reform is uncannily similar’, a fan told us. ‘If you’re not good enough to be a Conservative MP – hardly the highest of bars – they send you to Reform where you’re forced to criticise your own actions from a few days earlier. Pretty humiliating’.

On the plus side, Slow Horses has quite a high bodycount.

*By ‘rumoured’ we mean ‘somebody, somewhere, might have said this’. Obvs.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/johnhain-352999/

Second House of Commons may be needed

We’ve all had that useless colleague, the one who swans about looking and sounding important but never does any actual fecking work.

For more than a century, Britain has had a special warehouse to store the worst examples, safely keeping them away from the workplace. Located in central London, the House of Commons has brought relief to hundreds of businesses over the years.

‘I didn’t realise how much she was pecking at my head,' said Jenny, a sales manager from Wolverhampton. ‘Then she got this ‘job’ as a – get this – Member of Parliament (hashtag made-up-jobs) – and swanned off. It was like a weight being lifted. The company’s doing really well now.'

Sadly, with the rise in access to higher education and crap TV like Love Island, the nation is teeming with useless people, and 650 places is nowhere near enough. Plans are under way to build a second House of Commons to house the useless. Possible sites include Cardiff, Edinburgh and Epping.

Last word goes to ‘Robert’ (his real name), one of the warehoused useless people: ‘We do really vital work here. I like pointing at cartoons and ordering them to be painted over to make children cry, but I also fight crime with a video camera. We’re all in different gangs. My gang’s the best. If I can make enough children cry, then they’ll make me the leader of the gang, and I’ll be able to make speeches on telly instead of Twitter. I don’t miss having a job, this is way better. On Thursdays, we have sponge cake and custard.'

Image credit: Wix AI