Sunak describes celebration he had planned if Lionesses had won

Standing outside No.10, the Prime Minister listed all the things he had planned that were now not going to happen. “Not only was everyone going to get an extra Bank holiday, but we might also now have to cancel the one next week. I was personally going to fund street parties and pay for all the sad party food that you lot consider special. The completion of those hospitals is now postponed, due to poor defending. And inadequate marking has led to no pay raise for the public sector for many years to come.”

Waving a sealed envelope, he added “Well, the fully costed celebration plan will just have to be shredded now, no need to look at all the nice things you now can’t have.”

“Maybe having a woman in a managerial position of that kind of importance was a mistake and Sarina Wiegman is a bit out of her depth. Anyway, maybe have a word with her about not getting the gift vouchers I was going to send to every UK citizen.”

“Quite frankly, I am glad I didn’t go out there and watch the match, looking at the damage they have done to the UK economy.”

He then turned around, and hummed a little tune to himself as he went back inside

image from pixabay

Government health guidelines on drinking from skull of slain enemy

This wholesome ritual of post-battle bonding can be spoiled if you ignore simple precautions. Ensure all fragments of club, sword or spear are removed from the skull, as these can be harmful if swallowed. You need to carefully watch your alcohol consumption on these occasions, especially if your slain enemy had a large head. A capacious cranium filled with beer could put you over the drink-driving limit. Those who prefer alcohol-free lager can disregard the above advice.

Eating your dead enemy's heart to acquire his courage and prowess can also be hazardous, especially if it is a diseased organ swaddled in fat. As well as his battlefield valour, you might be acquiring the heart disease of a morbidly obese warrior - maybe there's a reason you had no problem hitting him with your spear from 100 yards. If you belong to an at-risk group with a high possibility of being killed and eaten, be sure to watch your diet and take regular exercise. This will ensure you don't pass on life-threatening cardiovascular problems to whoever defeats you in battle and feasts on your heart. The last thing your bereaved relatives would want is a lawsuit.

image from pixabay

Scotland, Wales, NI could invoke 1966 Protocol

With England in the Women’s World Cup final, administrators in Edinburgh, Cardiff and Belfast have dusted off Cold War era playbooks to avoid being drowned by a wave of English jingoism and smugness.

One Northern Irish official complained 'The plan needs updating as the last time England were in a football world cup final, the moon landings, colour TV – and the Troubles – were still all future events.'

A Scottish civil servant suggested annexing Berwick-upon-Tweed whilst no-one was looking, adding 'Normally, an England flag hanging from a bedroom window, means racists live there. But the smugness of English middle class men who lie that they have “always followed women’s football actually” is almost more insidious.'

The Welsh government denied another English request to "borrow" Gareth Bale pointing to several reasons he might be ineligible.

England play Spain in the final, with the winner getting Gibraltar.

Image: NoName_13 - Pixabay

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