TV pundits and armchair experts alike have all suddenly realised that actually England were shit all along and with a clueless German manager they were never going to bring it home. Cheerleader Micah Richards, who of course never played at a world cup , screamed even louder than usual into his BBC microphone that England had not played well at all in the tournament, and everyone nodded sagely as the verbal diarrhoea spewed from his mouth at ever increasing decibels.
Fans around the country pointed out that if only Cole Palmer or Phil Foden had been there with an English manager (though not Southgate of course) they would never have succumbed to pressure and would be raring to go for Sunday.
Said Dave Potter of Rowley Regis 'I said all along Tuchel would be trying to get England knocked out, and it showed tonight. Taking the lead, and then relying on the same tactics that worked in the previous games, proved my point. Sack Tuchel, appoint a good English manager like, err..... err.... errr..... OK, appoint anything but a German or a woman, and it'll come home at the Euros.'
Image: ChatGPT
England's defeat to Argentina in the World Cup semi final means that they must now hand over control of the Falkland Islands to the South Americans. In his last week on the job - and presumably drunk - Keir Starmer suggested a double or quits rematch with the Isle of Wight as collateral, alongside the Isle of Man, the Isle of Dogs and the Isle of Wight again, just to make sure.
During the semi-final itself, England's players misunderstood German manager Thomas Tuchel shouting 'Nein' over and over again, to mean that they should have at least nine men behind the ball at all times.
Meanwhile, in Edinburgh, Cardiff, Belfast and Dublin, plans to deal with the apocalyptic horror of an England men's World Cup win were quietly put back on some now very dusty shelves.
Elsewhere Nigel Farage briefly stopped taking backhanders from shady crypto billionaires to issue a statement accompanied by an AI image of him drinking a pint. Farage praised Jordan Pickford, John Stones, Elliot Anderson, Declan Rice, Anthony Gordon and Harry Kane as English heroes, but criticised Djed Spence, Marc Guehi, Reece James, Jude Bellingham and Morgan Rogers for 'tactical reasons'.