World Cup | NewsBiscuit 3/20

International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar

Midfield Diamond
Nov 16

Competitors are gathering in the Middle East to walk a tightrope between enjoying themselves and being condemned to the death penalty. The festival of daring, bravery and skill involves very carefully putting one foot in front of the other, as even the slightest step out of line could prove fatal.

The Qatari authorities have explained that even white, hetrosexual, teetotal, male entrants who don’t really care about human rights will have to tread very carefully along the high wire throughout the competition. All other contestants will have the added complication of tightrope walking on eggshells, and absolutely no safety net will be provided.

Overall, it is hoped that the world’s television viewers will be hugely entertained by the event, and will marvel at the spectacle of the death-defying acts. Apart from the families of the exploited migrant construction workers whose efforts to set up the tournament in Qatar were sadly less than death-defying.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 16 Nov 2022

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North Korea's 1966 World Cup win hoax is actually true

Steveb
Jun 1

A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.

National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.

The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:

'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.

'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.

'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.

'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.

'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.

'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.

'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

England footballers threaten strike action unless demands on pay, conditions and pensions are met

Oshaughnessy
Dec 9, 2024

As if the nurses, postmen, and teachers going on strike wasn’t enough, shock news has emerged from the English training camp in Qatar.

"The lads have had enough", said England trade union representative Tommy Studs. “They’re going on strike. The FA have forced them to kick footballs in temperatures of over twenty degrees, give press conferences at the drop of a hat and listen to Gareth Southgate drone on for a fortnight."

It's only the second time that the England international football team will have gone on strike since it was founded in 1872. The first strike was in 1908 in Saxe-Coburg when Captain Sir Digby Rawlinson was sent off for not offering the opposing captain a glass of port at half-time.

Mr Studds was adamant the players had a strong case. "Things have come a long way since Captain Rawlinsons' gentlemanly heroics back in the day," he argued before adding, "but the football association seems to take the players for granted. They're only offering the boys ten million quid each, the use of a complimentary gold-plated jacuzzi back at the hotel, and insist on making efficiencies by reducing the number of highly trained sports data and strategy analysts to 367.

On top of that, they expect them to play the French. How underhand and diabolical can you get?"