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Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others



However hard the government bends over backwards to appease its core vote, a dyed in the wool true blue forever Conservative voter continues to be dissatisfied with the amount of pain being caused to those around him.


Gyles Tebbit from Surrey barked, 'This is just not good enough. I expect more. I expect more pain. I expect more suffering. I expect more wails of agony from those around me. This isn't what I didn't vote for.


'What this government needs to do is to get up off its lazy arse and get someone else to start sticking the knife in properly. I didn't not fight in World War II for this. Our Maggie had the country in absolute meltdown and all of us pummelled into submission in half the time. None of this u-turn nonsense you see today.


'I want every last foreigner kicked out. I want everyone coming over here taking our jobs and our women deported to Rwanda. And then I want every last one of our women back in their kitchens making babies. I want the kids of today rid of once and for all. I want everyone on strike sacked. I want everyone in work sacked. I want the unions crushed. I want the NHS dismantled. I want all those meddling greenies locked up. I want the poor taxed out of existence. I want the welfare state pulverised. I want the economy destroyed. I want full on hard red, white and blue Brexit done properly from the start. And bring back mandatory hanging for everyone.'


Now clear off. I'm a very busy and important man who needs to get into my German SUV, race to my local Italian, knock back a few French reds, call my Greek tax accountant from my Dutch mobile, and then fly to my second home in Spain.'



Winston Churchill to go on tour to give Britain 'our best booster yet' says Johnson


It has been announced that by using the same hologram technology, where Elvis was able to appear ‘live’ on stage despite him being dead for over forty years, The Winston Churchill Roadshow will be rolling into a town near you from next week.


Confined to light duties, as that's about all aides dare trust him with, Boris Johnson Johnson has been put in charge of the project. ‘I’m just working on this with the brainboxes. We'll soon have the technology in place to enable us to have Sir Winston live in concert, reciting some of his iconic wartime speeches, backed by the Glen Miller Orchestra,' Mr Johnson enthused.


‘The show will be hosted by music hall icons, Flanagan and Allen, and will visit parks and piazzas around the country to give us all a good dose of old fashioned British vim, vigour and spunk,’ added Dominic Raab, looking lovingly into the PM's eyes.


On hearing the news, one Young Conservative who for some inexplicable reason still dreams about Britain's past glories of World War victories and Empires, was beside himself with delight. Fiddling with his flies in an attempt to disguise an unsightly stain, the chinless former Harrow Head Boy said: ‘This is the best possible pick-me-up our great nation could have been given and just what we need to banish our blues.


‘I knew Boris wouldn’t let us down. When he sees a job that needs doing he doesn’t drag his heels by announcing half measures. He just rolls up his shirt-sleeves and gets on with the task. He got Brexit done and he will now get Covid done, or kill us all in trying.’






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