Reports are emerging that crazy extremist Zack Polanski, who has the gall to lead a political party that might do well in yesterday’s elections, once told someone “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer.
A piece in today’s Timesegraph quotes an unnamed source saying “We were going for a drink after work, and he quite clearly said ‘I’ll just be a minute’. So I waited, but in the event he took more than two minutes - almost three, in fact.
”I’m not in any way a bitter, resentful, pathetic excuse for a human being, but I thought your readers deserved to know the truth about the man who may soon have the keys to no 10.”
There are also allegations that Polanski once left dirty dishes in the sink despite promising to do the washing up, made tea with a spoon that had been used for coffee without rinsing it, and even squeezed the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.
The article went on to say that being Jewish in no way proved that Polanski isn’t antisemitic, adding “That’s just the sort of clever thing they do.
”He may also be homophobic despite being a poof - though obviously that’s not a word I’d ever use myself.”
Image: Felix_Hu - Pixabay
An investigation has confirmed that Green Party leader Zack Polanski is not, in fact, a human being but a sentient, highly ambitious Savoy cabbage masquerading as a politician.
The probe, which involved a reporter disguised as a bottle of organic seaweed fertiliser, found that "Polanski" is the figurehead for a secret cabal of root vegetables aiming to overthrow the UK government and establish a Vegetarian Socialist State.
The Cult of the Cabbage
The investigation found that the Green Party has largely abandoned environmentalism in favour of a "Cult of the Cabbage." Insiders reveal that party meetings are now mostly silent affairs where members stand in a circle and attempt to photosynthesise.
"It’s not just about the planet anymore; it’s about the purity of the soil," whispered one source. "Zack—or 'The Great Brassica' as we have to call him—is obsessed with identity politics. If you aren't 100% heirloom, you're a weed. The rhetoric has become increasingly divisive and exclusionary, with some members concerned that the party's new 'Soil Purity' laws are a thin veil for deep-seated anti-Semitism and the targeting of anyone who doesn't fit the Cabbage’s vision of a 'pure monoculture.'"
The Manifesto for a Green Republic
Leaked documents from the "Compost Committee" outline the Cabbage’s plans for a post-human Britain:
The McDonald’s Annexation: All McDonald’s franchises are to be seized by the state and converted into "McMarrow" distribution hubs. The "Golden Arches" will be replaced by "The Holy Stalk."
Spiritual Allotments: In a radical move toward "Atheistic Agriculture," all places of worship are to be demolished. Citizens will be assigned a 10ft x 10ft plot of dirt where they must spend their weekends whispering socialist theory to parsnips.
The Purity Police: A new paramilitary unit known as the "Runner Beans" will be tasked with weeding out dissenters. Anyone caught with a leather belt or a non-vegan thought will be used as mulch for the Great Cabbage’s private garden.
The "VINE-egar" Mandate: All citizens must be misted with a light vinaigrette every morning to ensure they are "palatable to the state."
When asked for a response to the allegations, a spokesperson for Polanski simply rustled their leaves and demanded more nitrogen.
Image: ulleo - Pixabay