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Zelensky welcomes minute's silence, but really wants claps



President Zelensky has shown deep appreciation that the UK has observed a minute's silence to mark the sacrifices made by Ukraine, but notes that not only did the British public observe multiple minute's silences during the pandemic, mainly due to jaws dragging on the pavement, but within three months they had stood on doorsteps every Thursday clapping.


'Tanks, missiles and training are all very well, but what our troops really need are millions of British people clapping on the doorsteps every Thursday. I spoke with Boris and he reckoned it kept the virus at bay - or did he say the pay award, he was speaking very fast. Anyway, he said a good old dose of British clap was what the Ukrainian army really needs, and he insists he's ready to lead the way.'



We stand with you! Zelensky promises more salad for UK



As Britain enters its 6th day of salad crisis, aid agencies have begun withdrawing from Yemen and Syria to focus on a winter salad relief effort. Refugees in Gaza have promised to have a whip-round. Meanwhile the UN has released funds for Polytunnels and airlifted several tons of fresh basil to frantic middle-class shoppers.


President Zelensky gave an emergency address to the Ukrainian parliament, vowing to supply the UK with more rocket. And in a surprise visit to the frontline, a Winston Churchill lookalike made a defiant speech beside a crate of turnips. She blamed the shortage on transgender wokism, unrealistic pay rises, and the war in Ukraine.


She told Newsbiscuit: ‘I love salad and make a point of smoking my five a day. I urge people to eat toenail clippings until this government is over.’


Russia has threatened to cut off supplies of tomatoes to the West and is placing its nuclear arsenal on a permanent war footing. NATO dismissed the action, insisting tomatoes are technically a fruit.



MPs' hypocrisy achieves levels even jets can't reach



In an astonishing display of two-faced political shithousery earlier today, British Parliamentarians gave several standing ovations to a man representing everything they abhor and avoid.


The subject of the applause was President Zelenskiy of Ukraine. He is renowned for his leadership, honesty, self-effacement, steadfast strength of purpose and promotion of the common good among his citizens.


Spectators were utterly bemused why MPs were praising these characteristics. Standard candidate selection procedures usually eliminate anyone showing such fanciful nonsense. Advancement within party hierarchies then requires their replacement by equal quantities of greed, personal wealth, indecision, and a final removal of all morals and conscience.


Why were all these carefully crafted anti-human designs so much in favour of Zelenskiy? Speculation includes that they may hold franchises for dark-green war fatigues. As one MP was heard to mutter while speaking later on the phone to his broker, "Zelenskiy? The vest a man can get."






image from pixabay


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