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  • Myke

We stand with you! Zelensky promises more salad for UK

As Britain enters its 6th day of salad crisis, aid agencies have begun withdrawing from Yemen and Syria to focus on a winter salad relief effort. Refugees in Gaza have promised to have a whip-round. Meanwhile the UN has released funds for Polytunnels and airlifted several tons of fresh basil to frantic middle-class shoppers.

President Zelensky gave an emergency address to the Ukrainian parliament, vowing to supply the UK with more rocket. And in a surprise visit to the frontline, a Winston Churchill lookalike made a defiant speech beside a crate of turnips. She blamed the shortage on transgender wokism, unrealistic pay rises, and the war in Ukraine.

She told Newsbiscuit: ‘I love salad and make a point of smoking my five a day. I urge people to eat toenail clippings until this government is over.’

Russia has threatened to cut off supplies of tomatoes to the West and is placing its nuclear arsenal on a permanent war footing. NATO dismissed the action, insisting tomatoes are technically a fruit.

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