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We stand with you! Zelensky promises more salad for UK

As Britain enters its 6th day of salad crisis, aid agencies have begun withdrawing from Yemen and Syria to focus on a winter salad relief effort. Refugees in Gaza have promised to have a whip-round. Meanwhile the UN has released funds for Polytunnels and airlifted several tons of fresh basil to frantic middle-class shoppers.

President Zelensky gave an emergency address to the Ukrainian parliament, vowing to supply the UK with more rocket. And in a surprise visit to the frontline, a Winston Churchill lookalike made a defiant speech beside a crate of turnips. She blamed the shortage on transgender wokism, unrealistic pay rises, and the war in Ukraine.

She told Newsbiscuit: ‘I love salad and make a point of smoking my five a day. I urge people to eat toenail clippings until this government is over.’

Russia has threatened to cut off supplies of tomatoes to the West and is placing its nuclear arsenal on a permanent war footing. NATO dismissed the action, insisting tomatoes are technically a fruit.

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